Lynse Leanne

My drinking habits had become a little more frequent, I began to smoke and snort any sort of drug I could get my hands on. Whether it be my moms Prozac or Valium I got from a friend, it became my out. It became a daily thing. I needed it to ignore the secret I was hiding. I had to keep my life together on the outside. I was the Captain of the soccer team, I was on the basketball team at school and played recreation basketball and softball. I had to keep going for my teams.

So I dove deeper into drugs and sports. Always wanting to be the farthest away from my house as possible.

Then the news came. We were packing up and moving to Tennessee. This was huge…I was born in Calgary and brought home to the same house we lived in until we moved to Tennessee. It wasn’t like we were moving across town.

We were moving to a different country.

Now, I know you don’t think Canada and the USA are totally different, and yes, they are similar in a lot of ways, but different still. It was a big change.

I was losing my friends. My teams. My connections. They were all going down the drain.

Now not only would I feel alone being around people all the time, but I would actually be alone.

I felt like the last things that were keeping me alive were being stripped from me. I was dying at the hands of my parents because of a job. I was convinced I was going to die.

I remember then feeling depressed. The actual textbook depressed. I remember thinking about killing myself, and how much easier it would be. To just die and go on to whatever may be on the other side. I didn’t care anymore.

My only goal was to keep my secret hidden. And honestly, I thought that I could…..

Through this time my drinking had been a lot more intense.  I was bringing beer and wine coolers to school to get me through the day.  One during lunch and the other on the way home.  Just to give me enough to get home where I could drink and take pills for real.  But this day I was walking to 7/11 to get my typical nachos and cheese.  As I walked past the hockey rink I was so angry.

I was mad at what my life was, that I felt so alone, that no one really cared about me, that no one really knew who I was.  And even if I did tell them they probably wouldn’t like me.

My anger got so intense that I took the beer bottle that was in my hand and slammed it against one of the metal rebar pieces.  It shattered in my hand and sliced the inside of my hand open.  I remember the shocking pain.  The pain rushed through my body.  And then I went numb.  I remember sitting down for a minute and watching the blood flow out of my hand.  It felt so good.

The bright red added some colour into my grey world.  It showed me that I was alive and gave me hope that maybe it could get better, maybe I wouldn’t have to hurt all the time.

That was my introduction into self injury.

A total accident.

I fell into it…..

But in that moment I fell for it hook line and sinker.

The feeling, the numbness it gave me was so much better than any drink I had ever tried or any pills I had taken.  It made me feel better.  I could focus on that pain instead of the pain raging on the inside.

It was the only way I could make it through my days.  I still drank very often and it continued to be my way of “getting through.”

In mid November we moved to Tennessee.  Honesty,

I was excited about the fresh start.  Moving gives you a chance to start over.  I was determined to quit drinking, quit smoking and quit pills.  I was going to clean myself up.

I thought I could clean my own life up.

When we moved a family walked into my life and my determination turned into a thought of the past as I dove deeper into the lifestyle I wanted to so desperately get away from.

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If you missed part 1 and 2 here they are….
Part 1
Part 2

Flash forward a few years. I am in Jr. High and just trying to be a normal kid. I had not told anyone of my abuse, but it was like one of those movies that keep playing in the back of your head. One of those things you can’t move past. No matter how desperately you try and stop you can’t.

All of my other friends were getting boyfriends and dating and falling in “love” I had absolutely no desire to do that.

I had become so ashamed of what I was.

How could he have that done to me over and over and I not be able to change it?

The shame I felt then led me to want to hide. To always kept a safe distance from everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what was done, or what I did. They may think I am dirty, or it was my fault.

So the rest of my Jr. High life in Canada was spent trying to “be friends” with those around me but hide just enough that they would never really know who I was.

Hiding who I was and the desire to always be alone led me to drinking. I would binge drink with what was in my home. I would sneak it from my parents liquor cabinet or I would steal it from my friends houses. I would get totally messed up just for an hour when I could forget everything I had been through. For a bit of freedom from my intense feelings of shame.

You see, the shame moved from just feeling ashamed from what happened, and what was done to me…it became who I was.

I heaped the shame on . I was attached to it.

It was who I was…not what was done to me.

It is finally summer time!! can you hear the angels singing??!

With summer comes a season that i love…a season to challenge myself. I like to take the summer and read a book or 2 that will challenge me. Something to make me think…to make me a better person….just to better my life.

I am asking if you have a suggestion to let me know. It doesnt have to be a new book, a trendy book…i just want something that is good and will make me better.

So come on….What have you read? What would you suggest?

so i am aware that i am totally dropping the ball in the blogging arena. If i ever go MIA again know that you can find me and follow me here. Twitter is where you can see my day to day…simply easier to give you 140 characters on the fly than to sit down and write.

Especially right now.

When i decided to write here i build the foundation of LynseLeanne on truth. sometimes hard for me to share, sometimes challenging….but truth. Bringing you all on the journey of my life. And i have not been doing that. I have been alluding to the place where i am currently in my life….but i have tip toed around it. and that is not something i like from others, so i am sorry i have been doing it to you all.

Right now i am in one of the darkest places and times of my life. I am working through a lot of things from my past (sexual abuse, family issues, relational issues, personal decisions…etc.) but i am going through it. I am choosing to stand up and face all of the junk that has been hidden in my closets….and trust me, there are a lot of closets and tons more skeletons.

It is dark. It is scary. it is uncomfortable. it is messy. it hurts. i dont understand it. i dont like it. i want to quit daily. i am more honest with myself than ever before. I am more honest with God than ever before. I am more honest with people than ever before.

BUT…2 years ago a friend of mine spoke at a church and i went to see her. Her opening story was brilliant. She had all the lights in the theater shut off and it was pitch black. She used some fancy adjectives to describe the darkness…the isolation….the sick comfort that comes in the darkness. And abruptly the lights came on. your eyes hurt, they had to adjust…but for a minute it was painful. You had to adjust and refocus….but after a bit it was better. You could now see the things that you couldn’t in the dark. You can move around without fear of hitting something or getting hurt.

but at first it wasn’t comfortable.

I am in the uncomfortable part right now. I am bringing things to light, and it hurts.

I am not telling you this for sympathy, comments or really any other reason than the fact that this is where i am and i want to share it with you. I cant expect this place to be a community, or share our lives if i am not sharing mine.

So in this i encourage you to share your story….doesn’t have to be here, doesn’t have to be online, but share with someone. Bring someone along on your journey. I haven’t regretted it yet.

As you go through this weekend think on this….it has been messing with me for the last 3 days.

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with an anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

What do you think?