Lynse Leanne

I wonder what God thinks when we pray again for the first time in a long time…

Is he like the guilt giving person that hears a voice that hasn’t come to church or has been absent for a while and smirk and say, “finally, it’s about time I hear that voice again.”

Or is He the gracious one that hears the voice and His heart leaps for joy at the fact that He gets to hear from you?

You know when you’re in a large group of people and you hear a voice.  Maybe it was a friend that has been away for a while but has returned.  You hear their voice and your ears perk up.  Your heart jumps with excitement.  You aren’t wondering where they have been, you are just excited that you are hearing from them.

That is how I think God is.  No guilt.  No shame.  He is just excited that He gets to hear from you.

What do you think?

January 22nd is my birthday.

This year i am going to be 25.

For some reason this really scares me. I am naturally a very anxious person and tend to obsess about certain things. My age is one of those things. I either feel too young or too old. I am usually the youngest person in a group because my husband is 7 years older than me we hang out with older people. I am almost never the oldest and rarely in the middle.

I am as obsessed with my age number that some women are obsessed with their weight.

Age in my mind is something that defines you. And maybe this carries on from childhood when you are asked your age and you proudly reply 5 and 3/4…because every day counts.

But 25 is a big number. it is a quarter of 100. (obviously) It is the age that your car insurance supposedly goes down. It is the age that i can rent a car without added fees.

It feels like the official adult age.

I don’t feel like an adult. I feel like a 13 year old kid in a 25 year olds body with adult responsibilities.

But because of the 25 number I feel like things will somehow have to change and i will be required to have things figured out and be a totally responsible adult on January 22nd. Now, i know this is not true, but in my mind it is.

Can’t wait til 30. (dripping with sarcasm)

What is the age that you freaked out at?

Heading into 2011 i was freaked out. 5 minutes before midnight i didnt want 2011 to come. It was unexplained. 2010 was not incredibly enjoyable but moving across the country is an adventure. But for some reason 2011 scared the crap out of me.

I know this is small in the grand scheme of things but i turn 25 this year. (hold back the snickering because of my fetus age). It scares me. I will officially be an “adult.” And my life is no where that i thought it would be when i was in High School. Do i regret the way my life has turned out?

Yes, a bit….but overall…no.

In the passing from 2010 to 2011 i decided that i have already made some decisions to put my life back on the course i thought i would be on when i was in high school and dreaming without a cheque book.

So instead of making many New Years Resolutions I am going to make my goals very simple.

Try and spend this coming year re-aligning my 25 year old life to the dreams i have had since i was young and back-burner because of my people pleasing nature and lack of money in the bank account. Because i know if i continue to go along with life and continue to back-burner these dreams in another 25 years i will regret where my life has landed.

With that said, my new year will be spent trying to figure out how to go back to school in the spring to start an associates (transfer degree) in Psychology. For what i want to do with my life i have a long road of school ahead, but i feel like it is so worth it. And other people have affirmed me in my desire.

so there it is. my 2011 will be spent reconciling my life to my dreams and learning to dream again. learning to dream without the costs running through my mind. Without boundaries that keep my tied down (within reason). And surrounding myself with people who dream and encourage my dreams….or as Chad calls them, “dream catchers”.

What are your goals or thoughts for 2011?

A few Sunday nights ago i experienced something absolutely beautiful. I experienced the beauty of confession.
Another church is meeting in our church building on Sunday nights. The new church is called Xchange church. It is a church for recovering addicts.

I went thinking it would be just another church service with music, a speaker, more music and then we would call it a night and go about our evening.

I was wrong.

What i walked in to was one of the most amazing places i had ever been. These people were raw and real with themselves and those around them. Most of them had some sort of a criminal record and had essentailly hit rock bottom. Their families had left, they lost everything they had in pursuit of an addiction that lead them further and further into loss. They reached their ends where they were the most broken they could be and they knew life could only get better. The room was so full of life and energy.

We sang some songs and then the pastor got up and introduced this woman. She was going to share her story. And she did it with such elloquence. She opened her life up to us and shared her hurts and her successes. She shared about losing custody of her children and read us a devistating letter her oldest daughter (7 at the time) wrote to her when she went to jail for 6 months for a felony possession. Her daughter pleaded for the mother she knew when she was 3 and the mother without the drugs.

Now, I havent been in church my whole life but I have been in church long enough to know that there is always judgement and there are blank stares that look back at you when you open up. But she took that risk and shared herself with us. And this church, this beautiful, broken place spoke words of encouragement when she would pause and begin to cry. It was so moving.

As i sat in the back with tears falling down my cheek I experienced what the church was supposed to be.

These people live daily in recovery. They live daily accepting that they are broken and have messed up and the only way to move forward is to share. The people at that church are raw, honest and vulnerable because they know the secret is to not keep secrets. They know that secrets and brokenness increase in the darkness of secrets.

We are all broken people and the more we try and hide our brokenness the more broken we make others feel.

If we all would realize our brokenness and ministered, or were allowed to minister out of it the church could and would become a safe place. A place where people could share their darkness and not be judged. Because in each of us there is a darkness.

We all have that something we perceive, and the world may perceive to be broken and dark.

maybe instead of working so hard to hide it what if we took a step out and shared it it could make the world, and maybe the stuffy church a little more safe. A little more comfortable.

I shared my story out loud for the first time ever. Consecutively. There are people that know the bits and pieces that put all together help to create a glimpse of who i am. But I have never, out loud, in my voice shared my story. I wrote it down. I posted it on here. And for me that was relatively easy.

You see, writing is very easy for me. To write my deepest feelings comes natural. Sharing them online is a little harder but most certainly leaps and bounds easier than vocalizing them.

in my 24 year old brain saying something out loud has such power. It makes it more real. It leaves me feeling more exposed. I can hide behind my computer screen and type things out and click “publish” and there it goes. I dont see people reading it. I dont see their reaction. I may hear about it, but I’m not there when they read it. So they cant hurt me. They cant reject me. It’s very safe.

But a while ago i took a step out of my comfort zone and i shared my story out loud. I had been walking each morning with a lady from our church here whom is older than me and has grown children. Her life has been one of ups and downs, like most peoples. She was real and she was willing to speak very freely about her faults and failures. Because she was so open with me i wanted to return the favor. and i knew she would be safe.

I thought, how hard could sharing my story be out loud? I mean, i blogged it and people read it and I am fine. It’s already out there.

But the day came when i had decided i would share.

i froze.

I babbled and stalled.

I brought up small talk throughout our walk to hopefully run out of time to be able to share my story. I had let the fear of sharing with her face to face stop me from sharing the things that i went through and have built me.

I went home very frustrated with myself because i couldnt even share out loud the things that happened. I was scared to connect some of the words like sexual abuse or drug addiction to myself out loud. As if it would make it more real than it already was. I was scared to see her reaction.

What if she judged me?
What if she didn’t want to go walking anymore?
What if she saw me as needy?
What if….

So i went home discouraged and decided that no matter how uncomfortable it made me it wasnt an option. I would have to break my little issue and share it out loud. It was the next step in my healing.

The next morning we went walking and i made small talk for a bit and knew i needed to step out. So, i took a deep breath in and went into it. It took the duration of our walk to share it…the ins and outs. the hurts and dynamics. But i shared my story out loud.

in that moment i felt more free than i ever had. for the first time i shared in front of someone and she didnt judge me. she didnt think i was sick or twisted. she listened. she wanted to understand the things that make me, me. and it was fantastic.

have you shared your story? does sharing things out loud scare you like me?