Lynse Leanne

Flash forward a few years. I am in Jr. High and just trying to be a normal kid. I had not told anyone of my abuse, but it was like one of those movies that keep playing in the back of your head. One of those things you can’t move past. No matter how desperately you try and stop you can’t.

All of my other friends were getting boyfriends and dating and falling in “love” I had absolutely no desire to do that.

I had become so ashamed of what I was.

How could he have that done to me over and over and I not be able to change it?

The shame I felt then led me to want to hide. To always kept a safe distance from everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what was done, or what I did. They may think I am dirty, or it was my fault.

So the rest of my Jr. High life in Canada was spent trying to “be friends” with those around me but hide just enough that they would never really know who I was.

Hiding who I was and the desire to always be alone led me to drinking. I would binge drink with what was in my home. I would sneak it from my parents liquor cabinet or I would steal it from my friends houses. I would get totally messed up just for an hour when I could forget everything I had been through. For a bit of freedom from my intense feelings of shame.

You see, the shame moved from just feeling ashamed from what happened, and what was done to me…it became who I was.

I heaped the shame on . I was attached to it.

It was who I was…not what was done to me.

I have to be honest…the secret and darkness is very comfortable for me.

That statement holds a lot of things….it keeps me hidden in sin. it keeps me from being honest with the people around me.

Now, before you think that i am in some crazy “secret sin” i am not. But i have been thinking about how often we try and hide the things in our life and in our past because it is easier if it is your little secret.

But if we’re going to get all Biblical……

James 5:16 clearly says that there is healing in sharing your sins with others.

But why is it so hard to just put it all on the table. it is uncomfortable…..but on the other side of putting it all out there there is healing and freedom.

But, why is it so hard?

so i am aware that i am totally dropping the ball in the blogging arena. If i ever go MIA again know that you can find me and follow me here. Twitter is where you can see my day to day…simply easier to give you 140 characters on the fly than to sit down and write.

Especially right now.

When i decided to write here i build the foundation of LynseLeanne on truth. sometimes hard for me to share, sometimes challenging….but truth. Bringing you all on the journey of my life. And i have not been doing that. I have been alluding to the place where i am currently in my life….but i have tip toed around it. and that is not something i like from others, so i am sorry i have been doing it to you all.

Right now i am in one of the darkest places and times of my life. I am working through a lot of things from my past (sexual abuse, family issues, relational issues, personal decisions…etc.) but i am going through it. I am choosing to stand up and face all of the junk that has been hidden in my closets….and trust me, there are a lot of closets and tons more skeletons.

It is dark. It is scary. it is uncomfortable. it is messy. it hurts. i dont understand it. i dont like it. i want to quit daily. i am more honest with myself than ever before. I am more honest with God than ever before. I am more honest with people than ever before.

BUT…2 years ago a friend of mine spoke at a church and i went to see her. Her opening story was brilliant. She had all the lights in the theater shut off and it was pitch black. She used some fancy adjectives to describe the darkness…the isolation….the sick comfort that comes in the darkness. And abruptly the lights came on. your eyes hurt, they had to adjust…but for a minute it was painful. You had to adjust and refocus….but after a bit it was better. You could now see the things that you couldn’t in the dark. You can move around without fear of hitting something or getting hurt.

but at first it wasn’t comfortable.

I am in the uncomfortable part right now. I am bringing things to light, and it hurts.

I am not telling you this for sympathy, comments or really any other reason than the fact that this is where i am and i want to share it with you. I cant expect this place to be a community, or share our lives if i am not sharing mine.

So in this i encourage you to share your story….doesn’t have to be here, doesn’t have to be online, but share with someone. Bring someone along on your journey. I haven’t regretted it yet.

We all have days and anniversaries that we remember. I personally think it is a gift from God. A gift to remind us how far He has brought us.

Today is an anniversary date for me. A day that changed my life. It is a day that I wish I could forget, but simply can’t.

Often God would tell the Israelites to make an altar, (and note that altar is not totally the right word) or a marking of some kind to God to thank Him for taking them through something, but also as a reminder for them. To remind theme of the captivity they were in and the freedom that He brought to them. It was not only so they wouldn’t forget but so that when other people or their children would ask what it was and they could tell of the things that God had done for them. (when God brought them through the Sea and eliminated the Egyptians – this account is in Joshua 4).

So today I will follow suit.

Today, instead of remembering and letting it ruin my day I am going to focus on the freedom that God has brought. The darkness, sin and pain that He has brought me so far out of. He has brought me into a healing process so that I can truly experience freedom.

Are there memories and anniversaries you have that are a reminder to where God has brought you from?