Lynse Leanne

Last night I tweeted and Facebooked this:

I despise when religious people think that because you question things it must mean you aren’t actually a christian. No, i just really like to figure out WHY I believe something instead of believing blindly.

I am a logical person. Thus I fight my faith all the time. I need logic. I need answers. I need to know the “whys.” I was probably that annoying kid that always asked why? I always seem to ask questions that people haven’t asked when training for jobs…I think about things. I want to know the process and I want to know why.

This is true of my faith too. I can’t just believe what I am told because someone on a stage told me to believe it. Sorry, I guess I just like to think things out and make sure I agree or believe.

Chad knows when I make a decision that a lot of thought has gone into it, I’ve consulted with people that I respect and my opinion is mostly formed. That is just how I am. I will research the heck out of things.

In high school I wasn’t sure I agreed with something the pastor said so I read a theology text book to form my own opinion. I am a studier.

This week someone asked me how I was doing and I expressed some of my doubts, insecurities and questions about my faith…I thought honesty would be a good thing…but I guess not.

That lead to her essentially telling me that she thought it was because I only had “fire insurance.” My questions, doubts and insecurities lead her to believe I don’t believe….that I might not be a christian….more than just the fire insurance type.

Maybe I am wrong, but do you ever question what you believe or do you just believe?

Recently i have been asked by some people why my name is spelled different….i have 2 spellings Lindsay and Lynse.

legally it is Lindsay….but to me it looks so foreign. up until now only my closest friends who knew me at the time know why….and Chad of course. Some of them may not even know that Lynse is not legal. but i guess i am out now….legally i am Lindsay Leanne….not Lynse Leanne.

but here goes the story.

when i was a junior in high school i lived in Colorado Springs, i was holding on to a lot of things, a lot of hurt. I was in the process of just coming clean about my sexual abuse and self injury issues….But i was working through it….I was letting God work in me and change a lot of the ways that i chose to cope.

i wanted God to show up and change those things in me, to heal me and take those things away. i wanted him to make me more like him.

so i spent 2 days praying and fasting for God to take it away from me and closed my time with communion….it was at a church service and i heard the pastor say something that i had never heard….

he said that God wanted to heal all of me, every area, including my mind and emotions….and i bought into it.

i cant tell you my exact feelings, but there was just a peace and a knowing that God showed up and i was not depressed anymore….i knew that God was near me. Of course i had “down” moments, but i was no longer depressed…and yes, there is a big difference.

you are probably wondering where the name change comes in….well that night i went to starbucks to read some more. I ordered my normal Grande Vanilla Soy No Water Chai and the lady at starbucks wrote my name “Lynse” and i liked it….

i was reading the story in Genesis 32 when God changes Jacob’s name to Israel and at that moment i felt the LORD say that just as he has begun a good work in me he was also changing the spelling of my name so that each time i wrote it or saw it i would be reminded that he worked in my life. That He changed me….that He showed up, we wrestled and God changed my name.

so for all of you who have asked….there it is. and for all of you who had no clue….you now know.

Has God ever done something so huge in you that you had to do something huge to remember it?

Think about that for a second.

It stings.  It convicts….at least for me.

I have been through hell and back (i think, and in my terms), and there have been many days that i “hate(d)” my story.  Times when i wish the abuse i endured would not have been there, times i wish that i would not have gotten addicted to porn or self injury…but there have been many times i have hated my story.

Part of that was jealousy for other people “perfect lives”, or what i thought was perfect lives.  Jealous of their families, their purity, their life choices.

But as i have met people who have stories (which is everyone) who embrace their stories has made me realize that i cant change mine…no matter how much money i could pay to change my story it is just not possible.

So instead of hating my story and wanting to change it maybe i should thank God that He has given me a story. And when i made that switch in my mind my entire attitude changed.

“Do you hate your story?  Then you hate the God that is writing your story.” – Dan Allender

I would love your thoughts on that original statement. Do you hate your story?

ok…so i didnt write this, my friend Tam did, but i wish i did. for several reasons….

1. its really good!
2. because if i did i would have this perspective and “get it”…which i am working on
3. i would be further along in my walk.

The reason i am posting what she wrote is cause it has messed with me all week. with all the junk i have been through in my life i lose perspective…i blame God…but He didnt do it…just caused my paradigm to shift a bit so i wanted to share it with you…so enjoy…

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sovereign…in control, authority, supreme, power, prerogative.

i think i am one of the few people who can honestly say this…but, i do not question God. i dont. i cant. i mean, i can – i am able, i just will not do it. in light of His sovereignty, being in control, having all authority in and of this universe, reigning supreme, all powerful with the prerogative to do as He sees fit cause He sees all…nope, i will not question that.

have there been times in my life when i could’ve questioned God? sure. i can think of several times. when i look down at my arm and my stomach and see the scars from beatings received from my mothers boyfriend – i could have questioned God. when i think of how my first marriage ended with a gun to my head then ultimately my husband taking his own life – i could have questioned God. when i think of the baby i miscarried – i could have questioned God. and i could go on and on and on.

but were any of those instances really Gods fault? the question i hear most from believers and unbelievers is “why would a sovereign God let this happen?” i guess im more of a simple thinker, i dont know, but i say we let this stuff happen. God didnt make that mean man beat me or molest me. although He knew it was going to happen and knew when it was happening, it wasnt Gods choice….it was the abusers choice. the abuser who exercised free will.

free will. a gift from God. a gift that is abused and can turn into a curse for others.

yet, He is still in control and sovereign. in the end…He wins. its the middle that concerns me. do we recognize His sovereignty in the darkest of times? looking back now on all those personal circumstances, and more, i see how God weaved and crafted everything together to get me here now. and He’s not done yet. is it a path i would’ve chosen? well, some of it i did choose. and God did allow that. and like the Gentleman He is, He didnt force me into something else. free will. but because He is in control He will allow these times to shape me, to grow me, to stretch and refine my character. and im quite fine with that. He’s working it together.

so, instead of questioning a sovereign God for the worlds injustices…i need to look inward, and at my fellow man, and question our own motives and defiant natures…not Gods Sovereignty.

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I would love to know your thoughts….