Lynse Leanne

Have you ever carried something that was too much for you to carry?  You know, when you were a little kid and you were asked to carry the carry on bag with toys and games for your family vacation flight.  10 minutes in and you are about to die.  If you are anything like me you suck it up because you are proud and you continue to struggle in silence.  You gasp for air to keep up with those around you because you don’t want to pipe in and say “hey, this is too heavy, can someone help me?”

When I was about 9 we went on a trip to Disneyland in California.  I grew up in Canada so this was my first trip out of the country and on a plan.  I was 9 and my brother 6.  Needless to say our parents plan was to distract us for the duration of the flight so we wouldn’t bother those seated around us.  We had all sorts of games and toys, colouring books, tapes and tape players.  And for a young 11 year old that can begin to take a toll.  I remember being fine into the airport and through security, but the long walk to the gate killed me.  This bag, that I am sure weighed more than me was holding me down, but my family kept getting ahead of me.  My face was red and I was huffing and puffing to keep up.  I didn’t want to admit my defeat.  I had to keep going.  So I did.  I didn’t break an ankle or have a break down, but I remember the emotions I felt as I was carrying that bag for what seemed like eternity and what seemed like all alone.

In hindsight I could have said 9 easy words and I could have been relieved of my burden.  Yet, because of pride or shame I continued to struggle under the weight of it.

This past week was also evidence of this concept for me.  I had been personally struggling with some things in my life and instead of sending someone a text, email or picking up the phone and saying, hey I need some help, I continued to struggle in silence.  Huffing and puffing to keep up and keep going.  Yet, the freedom after just saying, man, this is too much for me to handle alone was amazing.  The weight was no longer holding me down.

The circumstances didn’t change, but I no longer felt alone.  I was no longer struggling in the silence.

I don’t know where you are today, but if you are carrying something inside of you that is weighing you down and you feel like you are carrying it alone, let someone in.  Stop struggling in silence and tell someone it’s too much for you.  No one, including you and I, should have to struggle in silence.

I shared my story out loud for the first time ever. Consecutively. There are people that know the bits and pieces that put all together help to create a glimpse of who i am. But I have never, out loud, in my voice shared my story. I wrote it down. I posted it on here. And for me that was relatively easy.

You see, writing is very easy for me. To write my deepest feelings comes natural. Sharing them online is a little harder but most certainly leaps and bounds easier than vocalizing them.

in my 24 year old brain saying something out loud has such power. It makes it more real. It leaves me feeling more exposed. I can hide behind my computer screen and type things out and click “publish” and there it goes. I dont see people reading it. I dont see their reaction. I may hear about it, but I’m not there when they read it. So they cant hurt me. They cant reject me. It’s very safe.

But a while ago i took a step out of my comfort zone and i shared my story out loud. I had been walking each morning with a lady from our church here whom is older than me and has grown children. Her life has been one of ups and downs, like most peoples. She was real and she was willing to speak very freely about her faults and failures. Because she was so open with me i wanted to return the favor. and i knew she would be safe.

I thought, how hard could sharing my story be out loud? I mean, i blogged it and people read it and I am fine. It’s already out there.

But the day came when i had decided i would share.

i froze.

I babbled and stalled.

I brought up small talk throughout our walk to hopefully run out of time to be able to share my story. I had let the fear of sharing with her face to face stop me from sharing the things that i went through and have built me.

I went home very frustrated with myself because i couldnt even share out loud the things that happened. I was scared to connect some of the words like sexual abuse or drug addiction to myself out loud. As if it would make it more real than it already was. I was scared to see her reaction.

What if she judged me?
What if she didn’t want to go walking anymore?
What if she saw me as needy?
What if….

So i went home discouraged and decided that no matter how uncomfortable it made me it wasnt an option. I would have to break my little issue and share it out loud. It was the next step in my healing.

The next morning we went walking and i made small talk for a bit and knew i needed to step out. So, i took a deep breath in and went into it. It took the duration of our walk to share it…the ins and outs. the hurts and dynamics. But i shared my story out loud.

in that moment i felt more free than i ever had. for the first time i shared in front of someone and she didnt judge me. she didnt think i was sick or twisted. she listened. she wanted to understand the things that make me, me. and it was fantastic.

have you shared your story? does sharing things out loud scare you like me?

So our move from Birmingham, AL to Vancouver, WA is less than 2 weeks away.

Our next 2 weeks will be filled with packing, packing and more packing. Work and then precious moments with friends we will miss.

I have to be honest in saying that while i was packing the other day i came across a note from a friend that made me cry. She is younger than i am, in high school in fact. But i realized that by moving away i would miss seeing her grow up through her High School days and graduate.

This last week and a half is going to be hard to get through. Knowing that it will be lasts all over the place. There will probably be tears, you know, since i cry now, and happy moments.

My goal is to not let my sadness get in the way and hurt the precious moments that are celebrating the years of friendships.

But the truth is….

Moving is hard.
Saying goodbye Sucks.

But i know Chad and i are taking a step of faith and growing together…and that excites me.

So excuse the absence the next few weeks. I will update as much as i can…without internet and on the road. ;)

But when i return and my life is a little more normal you will get to hear of the new adventures of Chad and Lynse. I cant wait!!

Today, as i sit at Starbucks. Just off of a 5 hour shift i feel so content.

I dont know that i have felt this full on the inside in a very long time. it is like a beautiful collision of the music in my ears, the smells and people around me but i am totally satisfied in life at this point in time.

I have a best friend that i get to live with and spend the rest of my life with. i have an incredible manager and fellow partners alongside me at Starbucks. I have a dog that loves me no matter if i had a good or bad day…he is happy to see me. my best friend and i are about to embark on the biggest journey of our lives together…and we are together.

It took a huge step to resign from my other job….one that was hard…but one that i dont think i will ever regret.

You may think i am “just serving coffee” or “working in food service” but for me it makes me happy. my legs on the other hand arent as “happy.”

i am satisfied and content. right now.

Are you? if not what would it take?

I was going through old Facebook pictures the other day and i stumbled upon these pictures from back in the High School days.

I had the best small group in High School. It was not like a super “holy” small group where we only prayed and such….i mean, we did that, but we also just hung out and were friends. It was great. to all you Paradigm folks…thank you.

One night only a few of us showed up and we didnt want to “talk” so we pondered for a short while what to do and Sara, our leader piped up and said,

“So, you know when people abandon babies…what if we abandoned fish?”

And that started a genius and hilarious night. We quickly went to the mall and got some goldfish and on the way out we spotted a photo booth….and these pictures are what happened….

We probably spent an hour choreographing our pictures so that on each sheet of four shots we were on them. It was probably one of the most random and fun things i have ever done.

we took them to someones house and left a note with them… i dont remember the exact wording of the note but it went something like this….

“Hi, kind citizen of Colorado Springs. I hope you can help. My mommy couldn’t keep us anymore because she spent all of her fishy welfare on booze. Please take good care of us. Please do no eat us, freeze us, fry us or flush us.
-John, Ringo, Paul, George and Yoko”

And that was the most amazing small group i ever had.

We were friends.  we laughed.  we took pictures.  we were a community. and for that season of my life it was just what i needed.

Have you had that experience with a small group?  Do you wish you could?