Lynse Leanne

I am a worrier.  I know that it’s very unhealthy, but I have been this way for as long as I remember.

I worry about everything.  I worry about paying bills when I know we can.   I worry that the baby I am carrying will not join us in less than 4 months.  I worry that the medical bills to have the baby, even with insurance, will be too much to handle.  I worry about Chad dying when he doesn’t call me when I think he should.

I literally worry about every. little. thing.

But I am realizing slowly but surely that my worry can’t change any of those things.

I am realizing that worrying can actually cause more harm than good in some cases.

The truth is, if any of those worries become realities I know that I am surrounded with people that can and would support me. I have a faith that would sustain me in those times. I just have to let it go and that is the hardest part.

But I am learning.  And isn’t that what life is about?  Learning and growing into a better and wiser person?

Are you a worrier or a pretty go with the flow kind of person ?

Have you ever carried something that was too much for you to carry?  You know, when you were a little kid and you were asked to carry the carry on bag with toys and games for your family vacation flight.  10 minutes in and you are about to die.  If you are anything like me you suck it up because you are proud and you continue to struggle in silence.  You gasp for air to keep up with those around you because you don’t want to pipe in and say “hey, this is too heavy, can someone help me?”

When I was about 9 we went on a trip to Disneyland in California.  I grew up in Canada so this was my first trip out of the country and on a plan.  I was 9 and my brother 6.  Needless to say our parents plan was to distract us for the duration of the flight so we wouldn’t bother those seated around us.  We had all sorts of games and toys, colouring books, tapes and tape players.  And for a young 11 year old that can begin to take a toll.  I remember being fine into the airport and through security, but the long walk to the gate killed me.  This bag, that I am sure weighed more than me was holding me down, but my family kept getting ahead of me.  My face was red and I was huffing and puffing to keep up.  I didn’t want to admit my defeat.  I had to keep going.  So I did.  I didn’t break an ankle or have a break down, but I remember the emotions I felt as I was carrying that bag for what seemed like eternity and what seemed like all alone.

In hindsight I could have said 9 easy words and I could have been relieved of my burden.  Yet, because of pride or shame I continued to struggle under the weight of it.

This past week was also evidence of this concept for me.  I had been personally struggling with some things in my life and instead of sending someone a text, email or picking up the phone and saying, hey I need some help, I continued to struggle in silence.  Huffing and puffing to keep up and keep going.  Yet, the freedom after just saying, man, this is too much for me to handle alone was amazing.  The weight was no longer holding me down.

The circumstances didn’t change, but I no longer felt alone.  I was no longer struggling in the silence.

I don’t know where you are today, but if you are carrying something inside of you that is weighing you down and you feel like you are carrying it alone, let someone in.  Stop struggling in silence and tell someone it’s too much for you.  No one, including you and I, should have to struggle in silence.

Last night I tweeted and Facebooked this:

I despise when religious people think that because you question things it must mean you aren’t actually a christian. No, i just really like to figure out WHY I believe something instead of believing blindly.

I am a logical person. Thus I fight my faith all the time. I need logic. I need answers. I need to know the “whys.” I was probably that annoying kid that always asked why? I always seem to ask questions that people haven’t asked when training for jobs…I think about things. I want to know the process and I want to know why.

This is true of my faith too. I can’t just believe what I am told because someone on a stage told me to believe it. Sorry, I guess I just like to think things out and make sure I agree or believe.

Chad knows when I make a decision that a lot of thought has gone into it, I’ve consulted with people that I respect and my opinion is mostly formed. That is just how I am. I will research the heck out of things.

In high school I wasn’t sure I agreed with something the pastor said so I read a theology text book to form my own opinion. I am a studier.

This week someone asked me how I was doing and I expressed some of my doubts, insecurities and questions about my faith…I thought honesty would be a good thing…but I guess not.

That lead to her essentially telling me that she thought it was because I only had “fire insurance.” My questions, doubts and insecurities lead her to believe I don’t believe….that I might not be a christian….more than just the fire insurance type.

Maybe I am wrong, but do you ever question what you believe or do you just believe?

This year I turned 25. Saturday actually. I had very low expectations and not because I didn’t want to be disappointed, but because I wanted a low key birthday. I wanted to sleep in, eat good food, and spend time with Chad and friends. And that is just what I did.

We slept in and then got ready to head into Portland. We had a “plan” but not really. I had an Apple Store appointment for my iPhone because if you touched the top left side of the screen the phone went in and out of silence/vibrate mode. weird. they replaced it. yay for a new phone!!

We set out into Portland and first stopped for lunch at Pastini’s. It’s this Italian restaurant that is so delightful. They have wonderful food and it is rather inexpensive. Though that didn’t matter today because if you sign up on their website and give them your birthday they send you a coupon for a FREE ENTREE on your birthday. I got a Roast Beef sandwich…i know, odd at an Italian place, but I didn’t want pasta for lunch.

It was so tasty!!

Then we went to the mall and checked out some stores, did some shopping. I got a cute sweater and shirt and then fulfilled one of my 2011 goals of owning more accessories like necklaces and such. I will take some pics and share those later!

Then off we went to Powell’s to browse the books and find a fun NW book for our nephew….we came up empty handed, but not because they lack books…we are too picky.

Then it was off to PF Changs for my birthday dinner with friends. It’s sort of becoming a tradition. Changs Spicy Chicken. so tasty.

As we left i decided to top off a perfect day I would need a Nutella and Banana Crepe from our favourite group of Food Carts in Portland.  The crepe was so wonderful and a perfect end to a perfect day spent with Chad and friends.

I couldn’t have asked for a better 25th Birthday!  Thanks to all of you for your kind Facebook posts, Tweets, texts and phone calls.  You made the first day of my 25th year spectacular!

What is your perfect day?

And not the Miss. Congeniality “perfect date”….  and if you don’t remember that scene here it is

A few Sunday nights ago i experienced something absolutely beautiful. I experienced the beauty of confession.
Another church is meeting in our church building on Sunday nights. The new church is called Xchange church. It is a church for recovering addicts.

I went thinking it would be just another church service with music, a speaker, more music and then we would call it a night and go about our evening.

I was wrong.

What i walked in to was one of the most amazing places i had ever been. These people were raw and real with themselves and those around them. Most of them had some sort of a criminal record and had essentailly hit rock bottom. Their families had left, they lost everything they had in pursuit of an addiction that lead them further and further into loss. They reached their ends where they were the most broken they could be and they knew life could only get better. The room was so full of life and energy.

We sang some songs and then the pastor got up and introduced this woman. She was going to share her story. And she did it with such elloquence. She opened her life up to us and shared her hurts and her successes. She shared about losing custody of her children and read us a devistating letter her oldest daughter (7 at the time) wrote to her when she went to jail for 6 months for a felony possession. Her daughter pleaded for the mother she knew when she was 3 and the mother without the drugs.

Now, I havent been in church my whole life but I have been in church long enough to know that there is always judgement and there are blank stares that look back at you when you open up. But she took that risk and shared herself with us. And this church, this beautiful, broken place spoke words of encouragement when she would pause and begin to cry. It was so moving.

As i sat in the back with tears falling down my cheek I experienced what the church was supposed to be.

These people live daily in recovery. They live daily accepting that they are broken and have messed up and the only way to move forward is to share. The people at that church are raw, honest and vulnerable because they know the secret is to not keep secrets. They know that secrets and brokenness increase in the darkness of secrets.

We are all broken people and the more we try and hide our brokenness the more broken we make others feel.

If we all would realize our brokenness and ministered, or were allowed to minister out of it the church could and would become a safe place. A place where people could share their darkness and not be judged. Because in each of us there is a darkness.

We all have that something we perceive, and the world may perceive to be broken and dark.

maybe instead of working so hard to hide it what if we took a step out and shared it it could make the world, and maybe the stuffy church a little more safe. A little more comfortable.