Lynse Leanne

4th of July weekend I was sobered by some advice I recieved while walking from our local (small town) parade back to our home.

It was hot, I was sweaty, I was uncomfortable.  I don’t like the looks I get since I look like I should be having a baby sooner than I am.  Some people smile, others just have a slight pitty twinge in their eyes.  It freaks me out….maybe I care too much.  Whatever.
We were walking home and a lady sitting there with a new baby and a 3 year old.  She asked when I was due and I said “August 13th…about 6 weeks…though I wish it was now.”  She smiled and asked if it was our first, we responded with yes, we are excited.  She paused for a second and said something that I hadn’t thought about…and Chad hadn’t thought about.

These is our last month (maybe less).  Never again will it just be us.  Never again will we leave the house at 11:23 because we really want pancakes.  Never again will we get that care-free life that we have enjoyed.  It sunk in that life is about to change for the better.  We are so excited to welcome Print, don’t get me wrong, but I realized I was wishing away these last 4 weeks of just us and the care-free life we get to have.

Yes, I am uncomfortable and I can’t walk nearly as fast as normal. I have to pee a million times a day and have a baby kicking my bladder or ribs…sometimes both.  I am tired all the time, but it is the last month of Chad and Lynse.

And because of the discomfort, bathroom changes and so forth I was wishing this time away.  I was wishing it away because I am excited to meet our little man, but I don’t want to wish away this time with Chad.

So we committed to savor each moment before Print joins our family.  Each time we watch a late movie, go to bed late or go out to eat we are going to be fully there because things are going to change….for the better.  And instead of wishing it away we are going to live in the now.

Have you ever spent time wishing things away? I am guilty of it all the time.

I have debated a few days….errrr…. weeks to post this.  I have wrestled with the feelings of staring at my darkness and feeling the residue of shame that still lives in my heart from knowing how close I was.  But over the past few days I have chosen to share this.  For no other reason than to share.

As I drove into work the other day I was listening to NPR.  They were talking about the ever present Human Trafficking epidemic that is impacting almost every city in the US.  They were talking about how young girls are swept into it and the legislation that needs to change to help make a difference in the vast world that we live in where things like this tend to be turned a blind eye to.

As they gave the signs and ways that pimps bring girls into being trafficked I reflected on how close I could have been to that life.  If you’ve read my story you know some of the things that I have gone through, but all the while my friend, whose uncle abused me, and I were plotting to run away.  We had spent the entire 8th grade school year doing everything we could to save money.  We didn’t eat our school lunches so that we could have that little extra, we lied, and instead of going to movies we hung out with friends and didn’t spend the $20 my parents and her uncle gave her.  Our birthday money went straight into the lock box in my room for our running away fund.

We had a plan.

We were going to wait until summer and run away to Miami.  She said she had done some research and it was the best city to go to in the south because of the diversity and the population.  It would be easy to blend in.  And then when we ran out of money, because we knew our fund wouldn’t last for long she and I would go into prostitution and our boyfriends would sell drugs.  This coming from the heads and mouths of us, at the age of 13 and 14.

The scary part is, we got close.  We got really close.

A few months before our planned escape she was moved back to live with her grandmother in another state. We still conversed regularly about our plan via phone and mail.  We would make our escape while my family, me included was vacationing in Panama City during the summer.  She and her boyfriend were going to steal a car in the state they lived in, drive to Franklin to pick up my boyfriend at the time and then onto Panama City Beach to get me in the cover of the night. Once in Miami we would ditch the car and go into runaway and hiding mode for about 6 months or until we assumed our families would stop looking for us.  This was our plan.

She and her boyfriend did steal a car.  They made it within 30 miles of Franklin to get my boyfriend and were pulled over.  My friend wasn’t able to talk her way out of this one.  The car was towed back to its owner a few states away and they were taken back for theft in their city.

This was all pre-cell phones.  So when they called to tell me they got a car and were heading my way I got ready.  I found a reason to leave the hotel super early in the morning and waited.  I kept waiting until I knew something was wrong.  When they never showed up I knew they had to have been caught.

I remember being so upset that I was going to have to stay with my family that I so desperately felt the need to get away from.  Once vacation was over we went back home to Franklin and found out a few weeks later what had happened.  My friend was in juvy lock up and because her boyfriend was 19 he went to jail.  She had written me a letter to let me know what happened.

Looking back I am so thankful that I never got picked up.  As I write this I am in tears because I now see the life I could have had.  That for some reason I was spared from.  I could have just been another trafficked person…and willingly trafficked because that was what we had decided at 13.  We would live on the street and sell ourselves.

I was so close to having that life.  Yet for some reason I was spared.  I am grateful.  I am grateful they were arrested.  I am grateful I made other friends there and began going to a church and getting healthier.  I am grateful because of where I am today. 25, married and enjoying my current life.  But I can’t help but look at the life that I could have had but don’t.

What are you grateful didn’t or did work out in your life?  How has that impacted you?

lets face it.  my number 1 reason is that I am pregnant and I cry at everything.  So something like this makes crazy amounts of tears flow.

But as any true Oprah Show watcher I have spent actual time in my day thinking about the show ending and how I feel about it.  It makes me pretty sad to think about Oprah not being on at 4.  Literally for my entire life she has been on.  She was one of the consistent things in my life throughout our moves that I could count on.  It was always something my mom and I watched every day after school.  Oprah and Rosie, until Rosie got a little crazy.  But it was consistent.

From Calgary to Franklin to Colorado Springs to Birmingham and then to Vancouver (WA) Oprah was always on.  And sadly, for me it is nostalgic.  I would think about watching it with my mom and in my somewhat not safe world I felt safe for a little while because she and I were together and we were enjoying our afternoons.  It gave us a connection point, something to talk about.

And now that I am 25 and have crazy prego emotions coursing through my veins and tear ducts and I think about how Print and I will connect one day and I remember fondly those moments with my mom.  And our common bond, when there was nothing else was Oprah.

So yes, I am sad The Oprah Show is ending.  Will I survive?  Of course.  Will I cry when I watch the finale?  Yes, I am crying now thinking about it.

But it will end tomorrow.  my life and hers will go on.  I will find another show.  And let’s face it, Print is a boy and probably wouldn’t have liked Oprah anyways.

Will you watch the last Oprah show?

Many of you know that Chad and I are pregnant…well, I am, he is lovingly gaining sympathy weight.  We are due August 13th with a baby boy.  We have finally chosen a name for our little man.

We narrowed it down to 2 middle names so we let our dog choose. The first name was the same, but we equally liked the 2 middle name options….so we let the other family member choose….Jett the dog.

The first name is a family name on Chad’s side.  We really really liked it because it gave us the “family name” as well as a unique name.

So there you have it….the little one has a name.

Did you or will you go traditional or unique when it comes to names?

Over the past week I have been in conversations with people about various things from how Christians should respond to the killing of Osama bin Laden to the Christian world view on Islam to abortion and really everything in between. I am thankful for these raw and challenging discussions because I like to debate and discuss…i enjoy the thrill of knowing both sides and being able to have intelligent discussion about it with facts and valid feelings and points. My dad raised me well in that area.

However, I am burdened with the fact that it seems everyone has an opinion on how Christians as a whole should have an opinion about some of these things. I understand that scripture is very clear on some things and not so clear on others. I get when it is very clear that God has said this should be your view.

but in the desire to have an intelligent discussion….i wonder if we have taken it a step too far?

I wonder if in deeming what is and is not appropriate for a Christian to think about the killing of bin Laden has gone too far.

We all have feelings, thoughts and opinions that are all equally valid.

I wonder if we, me included has at times moved past iron sharpening iron relationship and moved into removing each others freedom of speech.

I think there is a very thin line where we are called to sharpen each other and maybe that line is in private. Not publicly on blogs and twitter.

I was actually disgusted with how Christians were treating each other on Sunday evening as the news was released.

We each have a process and each have a world view that has been created by the lives that we have lived up until this point. We each have a relationship with God that has formed how we perceive the world around us. And it is very different than the person next to you….and a lot of times everyone else’s.

Each of us will one day have to answer for our responses good or bad and it might be a little presumptuous to assume that I should have yours. Because, I do in fact have a brain and can make adult decisions and formulate intelligent opinions.

I am all for a friend caring enough to call a friend out on something that is maybe not in their best interest, but at the same time it should be done in the right context and with the right heart. A mass tweet with scripture of how we clearly should think, in my opinion is not the way. That is why we have a cheesy name for it on twitter…. “Jesus Juked”.

I don’t know. Maybe I am wrong, but I am deeply burdened with the fact that we should be able to be open and honest with each other without the fear of being judged because of an opinion.

People may not agree, but that is a part of adulthood.
We disagree.
We talk about it.
We resolve.

But we don’t gang up on each other and bully in a passive aggressive tone.
We love like they are our sibling and we move on.

But that just may be the way I see it. And I want healthy dialogue…I enjoy it. I don’t enjoy attacks and judgement.

So if you would like to dialogue with me and with other people that is more than welcome here. And please comment below. You can also comment by clicking this link.