Lynse Leanne

Today we babysat for a small group. Chad and I and 11 kids. Lets just say that if there was ever a form of birth control that may be it.

As we were watching the kids we had a fun game going with one of the little boys. He was so sweet and innocent. I was holding the ball up and bouncing it on the ground. As i did he was trying to catch it and Chad was standing behind him snatching him up from catching the ball.

This game probably went on for 2 minutes and then we decided that we would let him catch the ball.

The funny thing was as i bounced the ball for him to catch he took 2 steps back and fell into Chad as if he was being snatched and kept from keeping the ball.

a few minutes went on and i looked at Chad and said “that was a spiritual principle if i’ve ever seen one.”

He had become so used to the fact that he was not going to get the ball even though it was right in front of him. He was used to being snatched up right before.

How many times do we do this? We cant get to the ball that God has in front of us because of the different ways the enemy keeps us. But once we break free from the enemy and can just reach out and grab the ball we back away and into the enemies arms.

I know that i am so guilty of this. Time and time again i go back into the grips of the enemy and his lies…

“i cant do that”
“my story disqualifies me”
“you are not good enough”

all of the lies that i believe.

But i just have to reach out and grab it.

The truth is the enemy has been defeated and we can overcome him. We have already overcome him. we just have to choose to reach out and grab it.

put your hands out.

After a crazy week of sad, and emotional writing and sharing my story i decided i would let off you guys a little bit and do something lighter….so this is my sad attempt…..

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Sunday morning on my way into work i had about 45 minutes to spare so i planted at Starbucks and decided i would spend some time in the Word. I was hurting, alone and broken….so it was a good time to open the Bible.

This is what i read….

I would like to know what you guys think…how cool and awesome is that statement?

This week has been such a healing week. The verse in Revelation that says “You will overcome him (the enemy) by the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony” has never made more sense to me. I always thought that it was the fact that we had a testimony…like “God has saved me.” But once i started putting the “Word of my testimony” and speaking the things that had kept me in captivity and silence for so many years I felt like the enemy was overcome in my life even more.

But i wanted to touch on the ending of the Self Injury stuff. I know that i didnt really resolve all of that for you all.

When i graduated High School and moved to Birmingham, AL i started an internship called TwentyFourSeven. It was the best and worst 2 years of my life all rolled into one. It was like a character pressure cooker….

When i began i knew that the rules and character commitments of TwentyFourSeven didnt permit me to be involved in Self Injury….and if you dont know me i am a rule follower. But mid way through the year a group of triggers occurred and i gave back in.

Honestly, in hindsight i sort of see it as a blessing. Stopping something cold turkey is hard and without people knowing it makes it really hard to stop and stay stopped.

So when i gave back into self injury i confessed and they got me counseling. I spent a year or so in counseling with an amazing woman who helped me work through the acceptance issues, shame and many other emotions that triggered my self injury habits.

Here’s the thing….i always had this scar on my wrist from where i had burned myself with a hot lighter….when i was stressed i would touch it. I would see it. I would think about how good it felt to hurt myself. And i would always think to my self

“If this God thing doesnt work out i know that i can always go back to self injury to comfort me.”

In my mind it was something that i could easily go back to….

But still no one knew. So no wonder I gave in.

After some time in counseling I was reading my Bible one morning and this verse stuck out to me….

Philippians 2:15

so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.

In context it is talking about doing things without complaining…but the last line “in which you shine like stars in the universe.” That line got me and stuck with me.

God said, Lynse your story of self injury is going to be used by me and you are my star shining in a crooked and depraved generation…..you shine like a star in the universe.

So…like most other times in my adult life i got a tattoo to remind me of that. ;)  As i thought of location i thought my wrist was the best spot….over that scar.

The scar that reminded me i could go back.

Now instead of the scar i had the star reminding me that God was going to use me and I shine in the universe for Him.

Opening up and letting someone in started the long long road of recovery, the road that I am still traveling. Not only from self injury, but also from the abuse.

I can’t say that I am totally “over” the abuse, I think something like sexual abuse is something you carry with you your whole life. You may just grow detached as time goes on. I still daily deal with it. I still daily choose to forgive my abusers. I still daily face the lies I bought into. I still daily combat those lies with the truth of God.

Self injury is something that through God’s grace is behind me. After counseling and years of “sobriety” from it I can say that I no longer run to it for my first solution.

But to be honesty, I have hard times when I struggle with it and relapse. But I go to God and ask for His forgiveness, I confess it to a safe person and I move on, I no longer let guilt play in my mind, God has moved on… and so should I.

It has taken years to get to a place that I can even begin to think about sharing my story. I was 6 when all of this started and I am now 23….and it is only now that I feel strong enough to share.

Though it has been a rough fight I know that God has walked alongside me the whole time….and the times I couldn’t walk I know that He carried me.

As I continue to work through some of the lies I believed from other people or the lies that I told myself I have began to experience such freedom.

Chad and I work through the residue of this daily. I am still in counseling and it is a daily struggle I have to fight through.

Lies left un-touched for years become very hard to fight. They become ingrained in your life…everything. And it is totally unnoticed the more time goes on.

Through most of my life I have played the role of the victim. Because I kind of was, so I felt entitled to it.

But instead of carrying that through my entire life I chose to be a victor. I knew that God had something big for my life. And I woke up to the fact that I was choosing to hold onto it and stop God from doing big things in and through me.

So instead of sitting back and letting all of these things define who I am and change who God made me to be I chose to deal with them. Look the straight in the face and combat the lies.

I had a choice. I could continue to let it own me, define me and run my life….OR I could take a hold of God and fight through all of my junk. It was not and is not easy. But the freedom I have right now makes it worth it. And I know the longer I fight the more freedom I will know.

So today, October 29th, 2009 I would say that I am in a healthy place. I am still walking this all out. I am still learning what it means to live in freedom, in forgiveness, and without letting something totally define me.

I am learning to be me. The me that God made…not the me that I became because of circumstance.

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if you missed my story you can catch up here.
Part 1 – my first secret
Part 2 – it was who i was
Part 3 – the first cut is the deepest
Part 4 – I just wanted a friend
Part 5 – The Only Thing I Had

I never spoke a word about it. I was back to hiding my darkest secrets. The ones that were killing me the longer they stayed secrets.

I dove further into self injury. It became my obsession. It was the only way to get past that time.

I wanted to die because I didn’t even feel like I was alive. I was an empty body walking around.

So I would cut to see the blood. To know I was still alive.

Cutting became the only thing I had to look forward to.

The only thing that was positive in my life.
The only thing that stood by me.
The only thing that didn’t judge me.
The only thing I didn’t have to worry about leaving me.

It was safe.

I kept cutting secretly from 13 until 17. 4 years of silence. 4 years of playing the game.

I was in church by this point and if you were to ask anyone around me I was happy. Life was good. But deep down I was dead. Cutting was the only way I could fake my way through life.

But one Sunday my life’s course completely changed because a lady was bold enough to share her story….

I was in a small group meeting called Become. It was for girls and each week they had a different speaker come and share with the group. On this particular week a lady came and shared her story of sexual abuse. In high school she was raped. She shared her journey of healing through that. She seemed to have a normal life…a husband, 3 perfect children. But her story was a lot like mine.

For the first time in a long time I felt a little twinge in my heart. I like to think it was a spark of hope.

That day I opened the door to someone. I let someone in.

I was not sure what to expect. I just dumped that I was sexually abused and was heavily involved in self injury. I didn’t know if she was safe. But I did know that she had a story a lot like mine. I hoped should would have a soft heart.

After I got everything out she asked if I would like to get coffee that coming week. She wanted to talk more about everything and find out if I was ready to heal.

She was willing to just sit with me, to cry with me…she was content to just be with me. Whatever I needed from her she was willing to give.

Over time I grew to love her. We are still in contact to this day.

Trust took a while. I was still scared there would be some form of betrayal. Because what else could I expect?

Over the years I would spend time at her house, with her family and children. She was like a second mother to me. She was incredible.

But no matter how difficult I made it on her in the beginning she walked along side me as long as we lived in the same city. She was someone I could trust completely.

If I needed her at 2am, she was there. She was safe. She was just what I needed.

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if you missed my story you can catch up here.
Part 1 – my first secret
Part 2 – it was who i was
Part 3 – the first cut is the deepest
Part 4 – I just wanted a friend