Lynse Leanne

You know when you are playing a team sport and you have a play called and you are talking about it and at the end everyone claps their hands and yells “BREAK!”

Well as you read this think of that tone.

cause i am yelling “BREAK!”

I have spent a few days realizing that i should take a break from this little thing called blogging, twitter and facebook.

The play is for me to take 2 weeks off to spend time focusing on me…through continued healing as i am on my journey. To spend some uninterrupted time with Chad as we plan our next steps as the Stevens’. and to refocus my love towards God and remove this little idol that keeps creeping its way into my life.

So from tomorrow AM until December 14th i will be M.I.A. But i will be available by email at lynseleanne[at]gmail.com , but i will not be checking it as often, but i will be checking it twice a day. :)

I would appreciate your thoughts and prayers during these 2 weeks… make sure i dont miss anything too HUGE…kthxbai.

i did something that i didnt want to do. i did something that i had promised God that i wouldnt do again. Something that i knew i would regret the second after i did it.

I sinned. I messed up.

When i sin or mess up my first instinct is to isolate and hide….to keep it a secret.

But I know that is not healthy.

So i resisted the urge to hide and keep my sin a secret because i knew that if i did that it would continue to grow and grow and i would keep doing it…because it is in the dark and not in the light, and thats where it grows and festers….

So i confessed it…first to God and then to a few trusted friends that i knew would keep me accountable.

I chose to tear down the wall and share my secret…where i am weak.

as always it is scary. the thoughts running through my mind

they will think i am horrible
i let them down
i cant believe i did that
they are not going to be my friend anymore
they are going to tell everyone
they are going to judge me

but after i told the response on the other end was not at all what i anticipated….

her exact words were

“Love you. Messed up just means allow the rescue. Nothing you can do but allow it in.”

she didnt judge
but, she didnt approve of what i did
she didnt unfriend me
she didnt make me feel like i let them down
she didnt tell anyone

this person simply reminded me that God is my rescue….that i cant save or rescue myself. I cant do enough to rescue myself….only God can.

Rescue is defined as (n) an act of saving or being saved from danger or distress; or (v) save (someone) from a dangerous or distressing situation.

She couldnt rescue me.
I couldnt rescue me.
Chad couldnt rescue me.
You couldnt rescue me.

only God can rescue.

and in that moment of grace and love i felt the rescue of God. His plan to rescue me from where i was…the emotions, the anxiety, the shame, the darkness…he rescued me when His son died on the cross.

But it is our choice to allow the rescue…

The next time you mess up are you going to allow the rescue in? Or will you flounder on your own trying to rescue yourself?

This is one of my favourite songs right now….and my favourite line…

“using your headphones to drown out your mind”

cause, well i can relate to that. Just wanted to share a favourite song of mine…

What do you think?

Over the past week I have spent alot of time thinking about what it means to just be.

So often we are scared of not being good enough when in reality we just need to be in front of God and He makes us good enough.

So as you go through today, just be. Let Him pick up where you can’t continue. Rest and know that He is in control.

Recently i have been asked by some people why my name is spelled different….i have 2 spellings Lindsay and Lynse.

legally it is Lindsay….but to me it looks so foreign. up until now only my closest friends who knew me at the time know why….and Chad of course. Some of them may not even know that Lynse is not legal. but i guess i am out now….legally i am Lindsay Leanne….not Lynse Leanne.

but here goes the story.

when i was a junior in high school i lived in Colorado Springs, i was holding on to a lot of things, a lot of hurt. I was in the process of just coming clean about my sexual abuse and self injury issues….But i was working through it….I was letting God work in me and change a lot of the ways that i chose to cope.

i wanted God to show up and change those things in me, to heal me and take those things away. i wanted him to make me more like him.

so i spent 2 days praying and fasting for God to take it away from me and closed my time with communion….it was at a church service and i heard the pastor say something that i had never heard….

he said that God wanted to heal all of me, every area, including my mind and emotions….and i bought into it.

i cant tell you my exact feelings, but there was just a peace and a knowing that God showed up and i was not depressed anymore….i knew that God was near me. Of course i had “down” moments, but i was no longer depressed…and yes, there is a big difference.

you are probably wondering where the name change comes in….well that night i went to starbucks to read some more. I ordered my normal Grande Vanilla Soy No Water Chai and the lady at starbucks wrote my name “Lynse” and i liked it….

i was reading the story in Genesis 32 when God changes Jacob’s name to Israel and at that moment i felt the LORD say that just as he has begun a good work in me he was also changing the spelling of my name so that each time i wrote it or saw it i would be reminded that he worked in my life. That He changed me….that He showed up, we wrestled and God changed my name.

so for all of you who have asked….there it is. and for all of you who had no clue….you now know.

Has God ever done something so huge in you that you had to do something huge to remember it?