Lynse Leanne

Some moms are stay at home moms. Some are crafty moms. Some are working moms. Some are absent moms.

I am a working mom.  I get up each morning and leave my little one in the care of my husband, who I am so glad is good with him.  I go to work and work until 2 all the while thankful for Apple Hot Keys so I can quickly catch a glimpse of me and my little man as my desktop computer and jump back into work.

I am currently at work and this is my desktop… busy…

Seeing him throughout the day makes the blow of being a working mom a little easier.  It reminds me that I am doing this for him. So he can have clothes and new toys, which he is now becoming interested in!

Motherhood is different than expected.  I like it.  3 months in and I feel like I might be slipping into it.  I still have moments where I look at Chad and say “whoa, we have a kid.”  or I think to myself often… “wow, I’m a mom.”  Most days it makes me happy.  Some days it gives me a sinking pit in my stomach, but those are mostly the days when I watch the news and see the world Print will grow up in.  I try not to get overwhelmed at what we will have to teach him about and protect him from without being helicopter parents.

Seeing his picture is my reprieve for the busy days.  It calms me down a bit knowing that whatever happens in life I have a little man at home who smiles when I walk in. And right now, that’s all I really care about.  Getting home and stealing his shy smile.  And that is what motherhood is all about right now.

Having a baby is a mixture of emotions.  I love Print…a lot.  But there are also things that are different than I had expected.

After he was born I had a really hard time with breastfeeding. I touched briefly on it when I shared about Exclusively Pumping, but it was a really hard thing for me.

Being sexually abused growing up I have always felt in the recesses of my mind that my body had betrayed me.  There were differing thoughts, feelings and emotions that surrounded my sexual abuse which left me confused and in a place where I hated my body.  At the end of my pregnancy I read A LOT on sexual abuse victims/survivors giving birth and how amazing it could be.  I had a hard time with labour being that it didn’t start on it’s own and was done solely through Pitocin and that I pushed for so long but couldn’t push him out without the help of a vacuum delivery. Yes, I am happy he is here and he is healthy, but there is this dark place that still lingers in my heart and mind.

My body once again betrayed me.  I had expected birth to be this beautiful and natural thing and that in itself would be redemptive for me.  It wasn’t.

Then we had the breastfeeding failure, which was more Print than me, but I can’t help but think that my body failed me again. I had envisioned breastfeeding Print and it being a beautiful thing between us.  My body would be giving life and that would be redemptive for me too.  But it didn’t work out.

So, not only did I have to deal with (and still do) with the normal mommy emotions, but also the deep, dark ones that still linger within me.

It’s an indescribable let down for me to know that I can’t have that relationship with Print.  I so wanted it.  It would be special.  It would have been how we bonded…I had it played this way in my head before he came.  So when it didn’t work I had to fight the feeling that I wasn’t bonding with him…I was. I was his mother, we still cuddle, snuggle and play.  But I so badly wanted that aspect of the relationship.

Let downs suck.  You have in your head this fancy idea all wrapped in a pretty bow and that is what you’re expecting.  And then something equally as beautiful shows up.  It is wonderful and amazing…but not what was expected. So you’re let down.  It is not to say that it isn’t still wonderful…it’s just different.

Different is ok, it just hurts sometimes.  Let down hurts some times.

a local kidnapping of a 2 year old who has been returned. 

this right here does not help my anxiety surrounding Print.  nope, not one bit.

Print laughs now.  This melts my heart and brings an unexplainable joy.

Print Laughing

I love my iPhone.  It is probably my most beloved item I own.

It keeps me connected with those I love.

It keeps me entertained when I am awake and can’t get to sleep.

It lets me see pictures and videos of Print when I am not with him.

It lets me take pictures and videos of Print so I can capture his childhood.

It keeps mine, my husbands and my bosses calendars in line and synced.

It is my alarm.

It is my camera.

It is my kitchen timer.

It is my notebook.

It is my lifeline.

I know that I could live without it, but I don’t really want to.

What is something you have that you could live without but don’t want to?