Lynse Leanne

I have debated a few days….errrr…. weeks to post this.  I have wrestled with the feelings of staring at my darkness and feeling the residue of shame that still lives in my heart from knowing how close I was.  But over the past few days I have chosen to share this.  For no other reason than to share.

As I drove into work the other day I was listening to NPR.  They were talking about the ever present Human Trafficking epidemic that is impacting almost every city in the US.  They were talking about how young girls are swept into it and the legislation that needs to change to help make a difference in the vast world that we live in where things like this tend to be turned a blind eye to.

As they gave the signs and ways that pimps bring girls into being trafficked I reflected on how close I could have been to that life.  If you’ve read my story you know some of the things that I have gone through, but all the while my friend, whose uncle abused me, and I were plotting to run away.  We had spent the entire 8th grade school year doing everything we could to save money.  We didn’t eat our school lunches so that we could have that little extra, we lied, and instead of going to movies we hung out with friends and didn’t spend the $20 my parents and her uncle gave her.  Our birthday money went straight into the lock box in my room for our running away fund.

We had a plan.

We were going to wait until summer and run away to Miami.  She said she had done some research and it was the best city to go to in the south because of the diversity and the population.  It would be easy to blend in.  And then when we ran out of money, because we knew our fund wouldn’t last for long she and I would go into prostitution and our boyfriends would sell drugs.  This coming from the heads and mouths of us, at the age of 13 and 14.

The scary part is, we got close.  We got really close.

A few months before our planned escape she was moved back to live with her grandmother in another state. We still conversed regularly about our plan via phone and mail.  We would make our escape while my family, me included was vacationing in Panama City during the summer.  She and her boyfriend were going to steal a car in the state they lived in, drive to Franklin to pick up my boyfriend at the time and then onto Panama City Beach to get me in the cover of the night. Once in Miami we would ditch the car and go into runaway and hiding mode for about 6 months or until we assumed our families would stop looking for us.  This was our plan.

She and her boyfriend did steal a car.  They made it within 30 miles of Franklin to get my boyfriend and were pulled over.  My friend wasn’t able to talk her way out of this one.  The car was towed back to its owner a few states away and they were taken back for theft in their city.

This was all pre-cell phones.  So when they called to tell me they got a car and were heading my way I got ready.  I found a reason to leave the hotel super early in the morning and waited.  I kept waiting until I knew something was wrong.  When they never showed up I knew they had to have been caught.

I remember being so upset that I was going to have to stay with my family that I so desperately felt the need to get away from.  Once vacation was over we went back home to Franklin and found out a few weeks later what had happened.  My friend was in juvy lock up and because her boyfriend was 19 he went to jail.  She had written me a letter to let me know what happened.

Looking back I am so thankful that I never got picked up.  As I write this I am in tears because I now see the life I could have had.  That for some reason I was spared from.  I could have just been another trafficked person…and willingly trafficked because that was what we had decided at 13.  We would live on the street and sell ourselves.

I was so close to having that life.  Yet for some reason I was spared.  I am grateful.  I am grateful they were arrested.  I am grateful I made other friends there and began going to a church and getting healthier.  I am grateful because of where I am today. 25, married and enjoying my current life.  But I can’t help but look at the life that I could have had but don’t.

What are you grateful didn’t or did work out in your life?  How has that impacted you?

Over the past week I have been in conversations with people about various things from how Christians should respond to the killing of Osama bin Laden to the Christian world view on Islam to abortion and really everything in between. I am thankful for these raw and challenging discussions because I like to debate and discuss…i enjoy the thrill of knowing both sides and being able to have intelligent discussion about it with facts and valid feelings and points. My dad raised me well in that area.

However, I am burdened with the fact that it seems everyone has an opinion on how Christians as a whole should have an opinion about some of these things. I understand that scripture is very clear on some things and not so clear on others. I get when it is very clear that God has said this should be your view.

but in the desire to have an intelligent discussion….i wonder if we have taken it a step too far?

I wonder if in deeming what is and is not appropriate for a Christian to think about the killing of bin Laden has gone too far.

We all have feelings, thoughts and opinions that are all equally valid.

I wonder if we, me included has at times moved past iron sharpening iron relationship and moved into removing each others freedom of speech.

I think there is a very thin line where we are called to sharpen each other and maybe that line is in private. Not publicly on blogs and twitter.

I was actually disgusted with how Christians were treating each other on Sunday evening as the news was released.

We each have a process and each have a world view that has been created by the lives that we have lived up until this point. We each have a relationship with God that has formed how we perceive the world around us. And it is very different than the person next to you….and a lot of times everyone else’s.

Each of us will one day have to answer for our responses good or bad and it might be a little presumptuous to assume that I should have yours. Because, I do in fact have a brain and can make adult decisions and formulate intelligent opinions.

I am all for a friend caring enough to call a friend out on something that is maybe not in their best interest, but at the same time it should be done in the right context and with the right heart. A mass tweet with scripture of how we clearly should think, in my opinion is not the way. That is why we have a cheesy name for it on twitter…. “Jesus Juked”.

I don’t know. Maybe I am wrong, but I am deeply burdened with the fact that we should be able to be open and honest with each other without the fear of being judged because of an opinion.

People may not agree, but that is a part of adulthood.
We disagree.
We talk about it.
We resolve.

But we don’t gang up on each other and bully in a passive aggressive tone.
We love like they are our sibling and we move on.

But that just may be the way I see it. And I want healthy dialogue…I enjoy it. I don’t enjoy attacks and judgement.

So if you would like to dialogue with me and with other people that is more than welcome here. And please comment below. You can also comment by clicking this link.

I am a worrier.  I know that it’s very unhealthy, but I have been this way for as long as I remember.

I worry about everything.  I worry about paying bills when I know we can.   I worry that the baby I am carrying will not join us in less than 4 months.  I worry that the medical bills to have the baby, even with insurance, will be too much to handle.  I worry about Chad dying when he doesn’t call me when I think he should.

I literally worry about every. little. thing.

But I am realizing slowly but surely that my worry can’t change any of those things.

I am realizing that worrying can actually cause more harm than good in some cases.

The truth is, if any of those worries become realities I know that I am surrounded with people that can and would support me. I have a faith that would sustain me in those times. I just have to let it go and that is the hardest part.

But I am learning.  And isn’t that what life is about?  Learning and growing into a better and wiser person?

Are you a worrier or a pretty go with the flow kind of person ?

Last night I tweeted and Facebooked this:

I despise when religious people think that because you question things it must mean you aren’t actually a christian. No, i just really like to figure out WHY I believe something instead of believing blindly.

I am a logical person. Thus I fight my faith all the time. I need logic. I need answers. I need to know the “whys.” I was probably that annoying kid that always asked why? I always seem to ask questions that people haven’t asked when training for jobs…I think about things. I want to know the process and I want to know why.

This is true of my faith too. I can’t just believe what I am told because someone on a stage told me to believe it. Sorry, I guess I just like to think things out and make sure I agree or believe.

Chad knows when I make a decision that a lot of thought has gone into it, I’ve consulted with people that I respect and my opinion is mostly formed. That is just how I am. I will research the heck out of things.

In high school I wasn’t sure I agreed with something the pastor said so I read a theology text book to form my own opinion. I am a studier.

This week someone asked me how I was doing and I expressed some of my doubts, insecurities and questions about my faith…I thought honesty would be a good thing…but I guess not.

That lead to her essentially telling me that she thought it was because I only had “fire insurance.” My questions, doubts and insecurities lead her to believe I don’t believe….that I might not be a christian….more than just the fire insurance type.

Maybe I am wrong, but do you ever question what you believe or do you just believe?

so i have decided to begin training for a half marathon….actually a marathon but i will run a half marathon first and then move on to the big dog.

I call it a conquest because it is something i am going to conquer…it is a life goal of mine and what better time than now?

Tomorrow would technically be considered “day 3″ of training. We started on a Saturday and re did the schedule to fit our schedules. We are following a 26 week (186 day) training schedule because, well, we are both starting from nothing. We are taking it slow as to build endurance and such.

I am excited about this endeavor because I am doing it with someone. And not the “doing it with” like lets both train and then run in the same marathon or half marathon. The kind where we will train on the same schedule and at least together once a week. I am excited because i am not only going to get to conquer a life goal, but i am getting to build this relationship and get into shape.

here is a pic of the training schedule we are keeping to…dont make fun that the first week is “walk 20 mins”…we think its funny too so we are walking for longer than that.

(where i got the schedule)

So, tomorrow i will arrise at 5:45 and we will walk at 6am before we go to work.

have you ever ran a half or full marathon? any words of wisdom?