Lynse Leanne

I wonder what God thinks when we pray again for the first time in a long time…

Is he like the guilt giving person that hears a voice that hasn’t come to church or has been absent for a while and smirk and say, “finally, it’s about time I hear that voice again.”

Or is He the gracious one that hears the voice and His heart leaps for joy at the fact that He gets to hear from you?

You know when you’re in a large group of people and you hear a voice.  Maybe it was a friend that has been away for a while but has returned.  You hear their voice and your ears perk up.  Your heart jumps with excitement.  You aren’t wondering where they have been, you are just excited that you are hearing from them.

That is how I think God is.  No guilt.  No shame.  He is just excited that He gets to hear from you.

What do you think?

I am a worrier.  I know that it’s very unhealthy, but I have been this way for as long as I remember.

I worry about everything.  I worry about paying bills when I know we can.   I worry that the baby I am carrying will not join us in less than 4 months.  I worry that the medical bills to have the baby, even with insurance, will be too much to handle.  I worry about Chad dying when he doesn’t call me when I think he should.

I literally worry about every. little. thing.

But I am realizing slowly but surely that my worry can’t change any of those things.

I am realizing that worrying can actually cause more harm than good in some cases.

The truth is, if any of those worries become realities I know that I am surrounded with people that can and would support me. I have a faith that would sustain me in those times. I just have to let it go and that is the hardest part.

But I am learning.  And isn’t that what life is about?  Learning and growing into a better and wiser person?

Are you a worrier or a pretty go with the flow kind of person ?

A few Sunday nights ago i experienced something absolutely beautiful. I experienced the beauty of confession.
Another church is meeting in our church building on Sunday nights. The new church is called Xchange church. It is a church for recovering addicts.

I went thinking it would be just another church service with music, a speaker, more music and then we would call it a night and go about our evening.

I was wrong.

What i walked in to was one of the most amazing places i had ever been. These people were raw and real with themselves and those around them. Most of them had some sort of a criminal record and had essentailly hit rock bottom. Their families had left, they lost everything they had in pursuit of an addiction that lead them further and further into loss. They reached their ends where they were the most broken they could be and they knew life could only get better. The room was so full of life and energy.

We sang some songs and then the pastor got up and introduced this woman. She was going to share her story. And she did it with such elloquence. She opened her life up to us and shared her hurts and her successes. She shared about losing custody of her children and read us a devistating letter her oldest daughter (7 at the time) wrote to her when she went to jail for 6 months for a felony possession. Her daughter pleaded for the mother she knew when she was 3 and the mother without the drugs.

Now, I havent been in church my whole life but I have been in church long enough to know that there is always judgement and there are blank stares that look back at you when you open up. But she took that risk and shared herself with us. And this church, this beautiful, broken place spoke words of encouragement when she would pause and begin to cry. It was so moving.

As i sat in the back with tears falling down my cheek I experienced what the church was supposed to be.

These people live daily in recovery. They live daily accepting that they are broken and have messed up and the only way to move forward is to share. The people at that church are raw, honest and vulnerable because they know the secret is to not keep secrets. They know that secrets and brokenness increase in the darkness of secrets.

We are all broken people and the more we try and hide our brokenness the more broken we make others feel.

If we all would realize our brokenness and ministered, or were allowed to minister out of it the church could and would become a safe place. A place where people could share their darkness and not be judged. Because in each of us there is a darkness.

We all have that something we perceive, and the world may perceive to be broken and dark.

maybe instead of working so hard to hide it what if we took a step out and shared it it could make the world, and maybe the stuffy church a little more safe. A little more comfortable.

I shared my story out loud for the first time ever. Consecutively. There are people that know the bits and pieces that put all together help to create a glimpse of who i am. But I have never, out loud, in my voice shared my story. I wrote it down. I posted it on here. And for me that was relatively easy.

You see, writing is very easy for me. To write my deepest feelings comes natural. Sharing them online is a little harder but most certainly leaps and bounds easier than vocalizing them.

in my 24 year old brain saying something out loud has such power. It makes it more real. It leaves me feeling more exposed. I can hide behind my computer screen and type things out and click “publish” and there it goes. I dont see people reading it. I dont see their reaction. I may hear about it, but I’m not there when they read it. So they cant hurt me. They cant reject me. It’s very safe.

But a while ago i took a step out of my comfort zone and i shared my story out loud. I had been walking each morning with a lady from our church here whom is older than me and has grown children. Her life has been one of ups and downs, like most peoples. She was real and she was willing to speak very freely about her faults and failures. Because she was so open with me i wanted to return the favor. and i knew she would be safe.

I thought, how hard could sharing my story be out loud? I mean, i blogged it and people read it and I am fine. It’s already out there.

But the day came when i had decided i would share.

i froze.

I babbled and stalled.

I brought up small talk throughout our walk to hopefully run out of time to be able to share my story. I had let the fear of sharing with her face to face stop me from sharing the things that i went through and have built me.

I went home very frustrated with myself because i couldnt even share out loud the things that happened. I was scared to connect some of the words like sexual abuse or drug addiction to myself out loud. As if it would make it more real than it already was. I was scared to see her reaction.

What if she judged me?
What if she didn’t want to go walking anymore?
What if she saw me as needy?
What if….

So i went home discouraged and decided that no matter how uncomfortable it made me it wasnt an option. I would have to break my little issue and share it out loud. It was the next step in my healing.

The next morning we went walking and i made small talk for a bit and knew i needed to step out. So, i took a deep breath in and went into it. It took the duration of our walk to share it…the ins and outs. the hurts and dynamics. But i shared my story out loud.

in that moment i felt more free than i ever had. for the first time i shared in front of someone and she didnt judge me. she didnt think i was sick or twisted. she listened. she wanted to understand the things that make me, me. and it was fantastic.

have you shared your story? does sharing things out loud scare you like me?

It is not yet finished. I still have the colour and shading to get done….and that magic will happen November 19th. I debated sharing the story after that, but i am still getting people ask the meaning…so what better time than the present.

As many of you know i like to memorialize major events in my life by tattoos…hence the 9 that i have. ;)

This one is the one of most meaningful ones, and not just because it is the most recent but because of the story behind it.

The best way that i have learned to explain it is by getting people to picture the Wizard of Oz and the scene when Dorothy and the 3 companions are coming out of the dark forest and the Emerald City is before them.  It is beautiful.  They are coming out of darkness and all the struggle that happened throughout their time in the forest.  The Emerald City is in front of them, but as you remember from the movie they still have a journey ahead of them.  They still have struggles that they will face, but the worst is really behind them.  The darkness and despair and there is hope in their future.

I have always connected with that movie and i have always thought that part of the movie was the most majestic.  so much hope.

to me, the tattoo represents coming out of the darkness of my past and moving out from the shadow of it and living now and looking into the future.  i came to a point where i realized i was living in the darkness and the pity party and had to make a move out of it.  Through that entire season of moving past it i pictured this part of the movie.  The wonder, hope and awe that would come when i reached the end of that season and began to step forward into the light and all that is before me in my life.  So instead of getting that scene of the Wizard of Oz i had my amazing artist James mesh the concept and feeling i was going for into this.

The girl obviously represents me and the apprehension, hope, awe and wonder of what is to come, pausing at the end of the darkness to remember what was behind and the lengths traveled and the journey that was, but moving on into the next part of the journey.

So, that is the story behind it.

What is your favourite tattoo that you have and why?