Is he like the guilt giving person that hears a voice that hasn’t come to church or has been absent for a while and smirk and say, “finally, it’s about time I hear that voice again.”

Or is He the gracious one that hears the voice and His heart leaps for joy at the fact that He gets to hear from you?

You know when you’re in a large group of people and you hear a voice.  Maybe it was a friend that has been away for a while but has returned.  You hear their voice and your ears perk up.  Your heart jumps with excitement.  You aren’t wondering where they have been, you are just excited that you are hearing from them.

That is how I think God is.  No guilt.  No shame.  He is just excited that He gets to hear from you.

What do you think?

As I drove into work the other day I was listening to NPR.  They were talking about the ever present Human Trafficking epidemic that is impacting almost every city in the US.  They were talking about how young girls are swept into it and the legislation that needs to change to help make a difference in the vast world that we live in where things like this tend to be turned a blind eye to.

As they gave the signs and ways that pimps bring girls into being trafficked I reflected on how close I could have been to that life.  If you’ve read my story you know some of the things that I have gone through, but all the while my friend, whose uncle abused me, and I were plotting to run away.  We had spent the entire 8th grade school year doing everything we could to save money.  We didn’t eat our school lunches so that we could have that little extra, we lied, and instead of going to movies we hung out with friends and didn’t spend the $20 my parents and her uncle gave her.  Our birthday money went straight into the lock box in my room for our running away fund.

We had a plan.

We were going to wait until summer and run away to Miami.  She said she had done some research and it was the best city to go to in the south because of the diversity and the population.  It would be easy to blend in.  And then when we ran out of money, because we knew our fund wouldn’t last for long she and I would go into prostitution and our boyfriends would sell drugs.  This coming from the heads and mouths of us, at the age of 13 and 14.

The scary part is, we got close.  We got really close.

A few months before our planned escape she was moved back to live with her grandmother in another state. We still conversed regularly about our plan via phone and mail.  We would make our escape while my family, me included was vacationing in Panama City during the summer.  She and her boyfriend were going to steal a car in the state they lived in, drive to Franklin to pick up my boyfriend at the time and then onto Panama City Beach to get me in the cover of the night. Once in Miami we would ditch the car and go into runaway and hiding mode for about 6 months or until we assumed our families would stop looking for us.  This was our plan.

She and her boyfriend did steal a car.  They made it within 30 miles of Franklin to get my boyfriend and were pulled over.  My friend wasn’t able to talk her way out of this one.  The car was towed back to its owner a few states away and they were taken back for theft in their city.

This was all pre-cell phones.  So when they called to tell me they got a car and were heading my way I got ready.  I found a reason to leave the hotel super early in the morning and waited.  I kept waiting until I knew something was wrong.  When they never showed up I knew they had to have been caught.

I remember being so upset that I was going to have to stay with my family that I so desperately felt the need to get away from.  Once vacation was over we went back home to Franklin and found out a few weeks later what had happened.  My friend was in juvy lock up and because her boyfriend was 19 he went to jail.  She had written me a letter to let me know what happened.

Looking back I am so thankful that I never got picked up.  As I write this I am in tears because I now see the life I could have had.  That for some reason I was spared from.  I could have just been another trafficked person…and willingly trafficked because that was what we had decided at 13.  We would live on the street and sell ourselves.

I was so close to having that life.  Yet for some reason I was spared.  I am grateful.  I am grateful they were arrested.  I am grateful I made other friends there and began going to a church and getting healthier.  I am grateful because of where I am today. 25, married and enjoying my current life.  But I can’t help but look at the life that I could have had but don’t.

What are you grateful didn’t or did work out in your life?  How has that impacted you?

However, I am burdened with the fact that it seems everyone has an opinion on how Christians as a whole should have an opinion about some of these things. I understand that scripture is very clear on some things and not so clear on others. I get when it is very clear that God has said this should be your view.

but in the desire to have an intelligent discussion….i wonder if we have taken it a step too far?

I wonder if in deeming what is and is not appropriate for a Christian to think about the killing of bin Laden has gone too far.

We all have feelings, thoughts and opinions that are all equally valid.

I wonder if we, me included has at times moved past iron sharpening iron relationship and moved into removing each others freedom of speech.

I think there is a very thin line where we are called to sharpen each other and maybe that line is in private. Not publicly on blogs and twitter.

I was actually disgusted with how Christians were treating each other on Sunday evening as the news was released.

We each have a process and each have a world view that has been created by the lives that we have lived up until this point. We each have a relationship with God that has formed how we perceive the world around us. And it is very different than the person next to you….and a lot of times everyone else’s.

Each of us will one day have to answer for our responses good or bad and it might be a little presumptuous to assume that I should have yours. Because, I do in fact have a brain and can make adult decisions and formulate intelligent opinions.

I am all for a friend caring enough to call a friend out on something that is maybe not in their best interest, but at the same time it should be done in the right context and with the right heart. A mass tweet with scripture of how we clearly should think, in my opinion is not the way. That is why we have a cheesy name for it on twitter…. “Jesus Juked”.

I don’t know. Maybe I am wrong, but I am deeply burdened with the fact that we should be able to be open and honest with each other without the fear of being judged because of an opinion.

People may not agree, but that is a part of adulthood.
We disagree.
We talk about it.
We resolve.

But we don’t gang up on each other and bully in a passive aggressive tone.
We love like they are our sibling and we move on.

But that just may be the way I see it. And I want healthy dialogue…I enjoy it. I don’t enjoy attacks and judgement.

So if you would like to dialogue with me and with other people that is more than welcome here. And please comment below. You can also comment by clicking this link.

I worry about everything.  I worry about paying bills when I know we can.   I worry that the baby I am carrying will not join us in less than 4 months.  I worry that the medical bills to have the baby, even with insurance, will be too much to handle.  I worry about Chad dying when he doesn’t call me when I think he should.

I literally worry about every. little. thing.

But I am realizing slowly but surely that my worry can’t change any of those things.

I am realizing that worrying can actually cause more harm than good in some cases.

The truth is, if any of those worries become realities I know that I am surrounded with people that can and would support me. I have a faith that would sustain me in those times. I just have to let it go and that is the hardest part.

But I am learning.  And isn’t that what life is about?  Learning and growing into a better and wiser person?

Are you a worrier or a pretty go with the flow kind of person ?

I despise when religious people think that because you question things it must mean you aren’t actually a christian. No, i just really like to figure out WHY I believe something instead of believing blindly.

I am a logical person. Thus I fight my faith all the time. I need logic. I need answers. I need to know the “whys.” I was probably that annoying kid that always asked why? I always seem to ask questions that people haven’t asked when training for jobs…I think about things. I want to know the process and I want to know why.

This is true of my faith too. I can’t just believe what I am told because someone on a stage told me to believe it. Sorry, I guess I just like to think things out and make sure I agree or believe.

Chad knows when I make a decision that a lot of thought has gone into it, I’ve consulted with people that I respect and my opinion is mostly formed. That is just how I am. I will research the heck out of things.

In high school I wasn’t sure I agreed with something the pastor said so I read a theology text book to form my own opinion. I am a studier.

This week someone asked me how I was doing and I expressed some of my doubts, insecurities and questions about my faith…I thought honesty would be a good thing…but I guess not.

That lead to her essentially telling me that she thought it was because I only had “fire insurance.” My questions, doubts and insecurities lead her to believe I don’t believe….that I might not be a christian….more than just the fire insurance type.

Maybe I am wrong, but do you ever question what you believe or do you just believe?

If you do not go to church: why don’t you go to church?

I went thinking it would be just another church service with music, a speaker, more music and then we would call it a night and go about our evening.

I was wrong.

What i walked in to was one of the most amazing places i had ever been. These people were raw and real with themselves and those around them. Most of them had some sort of a criminal record and had essentailly hit rock bottom. Their families had left, they lost everything they had in pursuit of an addiction that lead them further and further into loss. They reached their ends where they were the most broken they could be and they knew life could only get better. The room was so full of life and energy.

We sang some songs and then the pastor got up and introduced this woman. She was going to share her story. And she did it with such elloquence. She opened her life up to us and shared her hurts and her successes. She shared about losing custody of her children and read us a devistating letter her oldest daughter (7 at the time) wrote to her when she went to jail for 6 months for a felony possession. Her daughter pleaded for the mother she knew when she was 3 and the mother without the drugs.

Now, I havent been in church my whole life but I have been in church long enough to know that there is always judgement and there are blank stares that look back at you when you open up. But she took that risk and shared herself with us. And this church, this beautiful, broken place spoke words of encouragement when she would pause and begin to cry. It was so moving.

As i sat in the back with tears falling down my cheek I experienced what the church was supposed to be.

These people live daily in recovery. They live daily accepting that they are broken and have messed up and the only way to move forward is to share. The people at that church are raw, honest and vulnerable because they know the secret is to not keep secrets. They know that secrets and brokenness increase in the darkness of secrets.

We are all broken people and the more we try and hide our brokenness the more broken we make others feel.

If we all would realize our brokenness and ministered, or were allowed to minister out of it the church could and would become a safe place. A place where people could share their darkness and not be judged. Because in each of us there is a darkness.

We all have that something we perceive, and the world may perceive to be broken and dark.

maybe instead of working so hard to hide it what if we took a step out and shared it it could make the world, and maybe the stuffy church a little more safe. A little more comfortable.

You see, writing is very easy for me. To write my deepest feelings comes natural. Sharing them online is a little harder but most certainly leaps and bounds easier than vocalizing them.

in my 24 year old brain saying something out loud has such power. It makes it more real. It leaves me feeling more exposed. I can hide behind my computer screen and type things out and click “publish” and there it goes. I dont see people reading it. I dont see their reaction. I may hear about it, but I’m not there when they read it. So they cant hurt me. They cant reject me. It’s very safe.

But a while ago i took a step out of my comfort zone and i shared my story out loud. I had been walking each morning with a lady from our church here whom is older than me and has grown children. Her life has been one of ups and downs, like most peoples. She was real and she was willing to speak very freely about her faults and failures. Because she was so open with me i wanted to return the favor. and i knew she would be safe.

I thought, how hard could sharing my story be out loud? I mean, i blogged it and people read it and I am fine. It’s already out there.

But the day came when i had decided i would share.

i froze.

I babbled and stalled.

I brought up small talk throughout our walk to hopefully run out of time to be able to share my story. I had let the fear of sharing with her face to face stop me from sharing the things that i went through and have built me.

I went home very frustrated with myself because i couldnt even share out loud the things that happened. I was scared to connect some of the words like sexual abuse or drug addiction to myself out loud. As if it would make it more real than it already was. I was scared to see her reaction.

What if she judged me?
What if she didn’t want to go walking anymore?
What if she saw me as needy?
What if….

So i went home discouraged and decided that no matter how uncomfortable it made me it wasnt an option. I would have to break my little issue and share it out loud. It was the next step in my healing.

The next morning we went walking and i made small talk for a bit and knew i needed to step out. So, i took a deep breath in and went into it. It took the duration of our walk to share it…the ins and outs. the hurts and dynamics. But i shared my story out loud.

in that moment i felt more free than i ever had. for the first time i shared in front of someone and she didnt judge me. she didnt think i was sick or twisted. she listened. she wanted to understand the things that make me, me. and it was fantastic.

have you shared your story? does sharing things out loud scare you like me?

It is not yet finished. I still have the colour and shading to get done….and that magic will happen November 19th. I debated sharing the story after that, but i am still getting people ask the meaning…so what better time than the present.

As many of you know i like to memorialize major events in my life by tattoos…hence the 9 that i have. ;)

This one is the one of most meaningful ones, and not just because it is the most recent but because of the story behind it.

The best way that i have learned to explain it is by getting people to picture the Wizard of Oz and the scene when Dorothy and the 3 companions are coming out of the dark forest and the Emerald City is before them.  It is beautiful.  They are coming out of darkness and all the struggle that happened throughout their time in the forest.  The Emerald City is in front of them, but as you remember from the movie they still have a journey ahead of them.  They still have struggles that they will face, but the worst is really behind them.  The darkness and despair and there is hope in their future.

I have always connected with that movie and i have always thought that part of the movie was the most majestic.  so much hope.

to me, the tattoo represents coming out of the darkness of my past and moving out from the shadow of it and living now and looking into the future.  i came to a point where i realized i was living in the darkness and the pity party and had to make a move out of it.  Through that entire season of moving past it i pictured this part of the movie.  The wonder, hope and awe that would come when i reached the end of that season and began to step forward into the light and all that is before me in my life.  So instead of getting that scene of the Wizard of Oz i had my amazing artist James mesh the concept and feeling i was going for into this.

The girl obviously represents me and the apprehension, hope, awe and wonder of what is to come, pausing at the end of the darkness to remember what was behind and the lengths traveled and the journey that was, but moving on into the next part of the journey.

So, that is the story behind it.

What is your favourite tattoo that you have and why?

This picture was taking in High School…the summer between my Junior and Senior year.

The four of us were inseparable. We did everything together. We met at church…well, i met them at church, they were friends much longer than I was in the picture because we moved between my sophomore and junior year.

There were so many fun memories that we all had together. There were a lot of things we learned about each other, life and ourselves. Together we dealt with big life issues and played…usually in the same day.

These 3 girls made my last 2 years in high school enjoyable. They were the first friends to know my story. They loved me. We loved and still love each other.

- we would sneak out to fork our youth pastors lawn, video tape it, show our parents and then lie about WHEN it was.
- we shared some of our darkest moments.
- we kept up on each others lives through our spybooks.
- we had random photo shoots.
- we snuck in and redesigned Irene’s room, while you were out style.
- we went camping.
- we endured, each Sunday, the bible study we were in and affectionately referred to it as “torture.”
- tattoos before we were 18.
- we drove one early morning to Denver to see Hanson. Sat in the hot sun all day for a 7pm show. And Zac touched our hands. Irene and I cried.

That time in life felt like a movie. We all had different styles, different life stories, different families and different perspectives. But it worked.

We have all gone our separate ways…. Irene has 4 precious kids and an amazing husband who is in the Air Force. Rachel is married to her first love and she’s in nursing school. Becca is living in California and is beautiful as ever. and well, we know where I am.

i know i look back on those days with fond memories. Some fun and hilarious. Some tough and growing experiences. But all memories that have made me the Lynse that i am today.

Do you have those friends that you knew in High School that you still talk with?