We played this video at the end of our message today. I can so relate to it. Here are the lyrics…

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that’s real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar’s chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

I could always relate to this song because of my past in cutting and self injury with the whole “hurt myself today.”

I just wanted to share it with you today….cause man, it messed me up. But it about what you will leave…

Thoughts?

Untitled from Lynse Leanne on Vimeo.

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I was praying for Chad, for me, for us…for vision, for direction, for what to do. We both have huge dreams. Huge…bigger than we are. bigger than we can understand or even think about doing.

And as i was praying i felt the still small voice speak to me and say

“Lynse, just love my church.”

And that was it. it was a simple, yet peaceful statement. It brought clarity.

It is just that simple…God has called us all to do great things, but the only way that can happen is if we love His Church…not your church, not your mamas church….the Church, Gods Church…his people.

Just love His Church.

But why do you think it is so hard to simply love His Church?

Especially right now.

When i decided to write here i build the foundation of LynseLeanne on truth. sometimes hard for me to share, sometimes challenging….but truth. Bringing you all on the journey of my life. And i have not been doing that. I have been alluding to the place where i am currently in my life….but i have tip toed around it. and that is not something i like from others, so i am sorry i have been doing it to you all.

Right now i am in one of the darkest places and times of my life. I am working through a lot of things from my past (sexual abuse, family issues, relational issues, personal decisions…etc.) but i am going through it. I am choosing to stand up and face all of the junk that has been hidden in my closets….and trust me, there are a lot of closets and tons more skeletons.

It is dark. It is scary. it is uncomfortable. it is messy. it hurts. i dont understand it. i dont like it. i want to quit daily. i am more honest with myself than ever before. I am more honest with God than ever before. I am more honest with people than ever before.

BUT…2 years ago a friend of mine spoke at a church and i went to see her. Her opening story was brilliant. She had all the lights in the theater shut off and it was pitch black. She used some fancy adjectives to describe the darkness…the isolation….the sick comfort that comes in the darkness. And abruptly the lights came on. your eyes hurt, they had to adjust…but for a minute it was painful. You had to adjust and refocus….but after a bit it was better. You could now see the things that you couldn’t in the dark. You can move around without fear of hitting something or getting hurt.

but at first it wasn’t comfortable.

I am in the uncomfortable part right now. I am bringing things to light, and it hurts.

I am not telling you this for sympathy, comments or really any other reason than the fact that this is where i am and i want to share it with you. I cant expect this place to be a community, or share our lives if i am not sharing mine.

So in this i encourage you to share your story….doesn’t have to be here, doesn’t have to be online, but share with someone. Bring someone along on your journey. I haven’t regretted it yet.

Dr. Pepper, my spybook…to write down to do’s, thoughts…and all things creative, and my iPhone….keeping up with all things calendar, music…etc.

What gets you through busy seasons?

I am facing mountains that i never thought i would have to face. I am coming to a place of more vulnerability with God and with people.

I am learning more and more each day what it mean….or might mean to live in freedom.

I posted about the thought of being damaged a while back here but wanted to revisit this quote that i hold onto.

“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” – Audrey Hepburn

Even though i am in a “season” i am not truly broken or damaged…i am a person who needs to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed.

It is a good reminder to me…if you needed to be reminded of that then i hope you receive it…if not, pass it on to someone who does.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

I am in the middle of a heavy process right now. I am honestly praying about sharing it with you all, but dont have a total peace about it yet. But i am trucking through some stuff from my past and it is messing me up. And those words were comforting to me. Comforting to my heart, my body and my spirit. it gave me hope…

What song is speaking hope and comfort to your heart and your process of life right now?

It was so worth getting up at the crack. It was one of those moments where i met God and i am convinced that it has made an impact on my spiritual life and will be a mark in the road for me.

Of course, i wanted to share it with you.

I went with my typical list of prayer needs….for me, for Chad, for my parents, for our finances…all the normal needs and then some things that i needed God to show up and do. i walked in the room and there was peace. as we prayed on our own with music playing in the back ground a song came on talking about wanting to see God’s face. as i thought and prayed more about that i realized how often i come to God seeking his hand, what he can do for me and how he can meet my needs. and in that moment my prayers switched into desiring just to see God’s face.

it was interesting the more i prayed God showed my that Moses had a lot of needs. He needed God to show up and take care of some things, he needed God to lead him and speak to Him, yet his only desire was to see God. That was all he wanted. To get a glimpse of God. that fueled him…it gave him all he needed to lead.

my prayers shifted and i focused on seeing God’s face and not seeking His hand and He showed up. He moved in my life in a way that i wont forget. But how often i pray for things, and pray for God’s hand….and now, i will pray to see His face.

Not sure how to end it, other than to encourage you to seek God’s face and not what He can do for you. If you see His face it will be enough.

I love hymns.

I love the thought of a hymnal.

I love kneeling and being served communion.

I like choir robes.

I like traditional.

Each Christmas Eve Chad and I go to a super traditional Catholic church for midnight mass. I love it. i look forward to it. it is a change up from what i am used to. i go to a very “modern” and progressive church. We have not only 1, but 2 electric guitars on stage (gasp!), loud music and moving lights…the almost opposite of traditional.

But i think i like the reverence and balance that traditional brings to my church culture.

I am curious…do you prefer “contemporary” style worship or “traditional?” Do you have an opinion that keeps you from either?