Is he like the guilt giving person that hears a voice that hasn’t come to church or has been absent for a while and smirk and say, “finally, it’s about time I hear that voice again.”

Or is He the gracious one that hears the voice and His heart leaps for joy at the fact that He gets to hear from you?

You know when you’re in a large group of people and you hear a voice.  Maybe it was a friend that has been away for a while but has returned.  You hear their voice and your ears perk up.  Your heart jumps with excitement.  You aren’t wondering where they have been, you are just excited that you are hearing from them.

That is how I think God is.  No guilt.  No shame.  He is just excited that He gets to hear from you.

What do you think?

This picture was taking in High School…the summer between my Junior and Senior year.

The four of us were inseparable. We did everything together. We met at church…well, i met them at church, they were friends much longer than I was in the picture because we moved between my sophomore and junior year.

There were so many fun memories that we all had together. There were a lot of things we learned about each other, life and ourselves. Together we dealt with big life issues and played…usually in the same day.

These 3 girls made my last 2 years in high school enjoyable. They were the first friends to know my story. They loved me. We loved and still love each other.

- we would sneak out to fork our youth pastors lawn, video tape it, show our parents and then lie about WHEN it was.
- we shared some of our darkest moments.
- we kept up on each others lives through our spybooks.
- we had random photo shoots.
- we snuck in and redesigned Irene’s room, while you were out style.
- we went camping.
- we endured, each Sunday, the bible study we were in and affectionately referred to it as “torture.”
- tattoos before we were 18.
- we drove one early morning to Denver to see Hanson. Sat in the hot sun all day for a 7pm show. And Zac touched our hands. Irene and I cried.

That time in life felt like a movie. We all had different styles, different life stories, different families and different perspectives. But it worked.

We have all gone our separate ways…. Irene has 4 precious kids and an amazing husband who is in the Air Force. Rachel is married to her first love and she’s in nursing school. Becca is living in California and is beautiful as ever. and well, we know where I am.

i know i look back on those days with fond memories. Some fun and hilarious. Some tough and growing experiences. But all memories that have made me the Lynse that i am today.

Do you have those friends that you knew in High School that you still talk with?

i know that there have been times in my life when i am happy externally…like things are going my way and everything is good. But then the other times in life when i am not too happy and the things around me kind of suck. You know, the times when you’re not happy with your job or the amount of money you have.

on the other hand i know that joy is a fruit of the spirit and you should walk always in the joy that God is the provider and saviour. But does that mean that i always have to be happy?

Anyways my thought is, is there a difference between joy and happiness? Is joy internal and happiness external? Can you have joy inside and be very unhappy with the life around you?

Curious of your thoughts. Is there a difference in joy and happiness? is joy internal and happiness circumstantial?

My soap box: Discounting.  Plain and simple.

I am not talking about the awesome discounts you get when you use coupons or whatever but the discounting of people and their experiences.

In TwentyFourSeven Leadership Academy that I was in for 2 years nearly drilled this concept into my head.  I never really understood the importance of the concept until recent “soul searching”.  We were taught time and time again to not “discount” other students experiences by making off the cuff comments about how bad that sermon was or how much we hated that song or how lame that mission project was.  I never got it cause i was just being sarcastic or voicing my opinion.  Then one day the heart of it was explained to me.  I had a light switch moment. It made sense in my head.

Just because I didn’t like the song or the sermon or the experience or the memories that was being created didn’t mean that everyone felt the same way.  Maybe the song that we sang lead to breakthrough in someones life or the message i was critiquing and stating how “lower shelf” it was and just senseless babble brought freedom to that person.  You never know.  Speaking poorly about an experience that may have meant the world to someone else is discounting it for them.  You are making it a little less special for them.  You are calling doubt and question into play in an experience that could be the catalyst for life change.

Discounted.

This is why comparing stories and testimonies frustrate me so much.  I wrote about it here (we are all right).  Just because my story may be more intense or less intense than yours doesn’t and shouldn’t discount the fact that you are a person with stories and experiences that make you.

You are not me.  You are you.

That’s another form of discounting that can lead a persons voice or perceived voice to be stolen from them.

I had a similar experience a while back where i felt like my feelings and experiences i had been through were being discounted because it was “not as bad or serious” as the person i was being compared to.  My emotions, feelings and experiences were discounted.  They were made less because someone felt that i had no right to have those feelings and emotions.

Discounted.

For me, it caused me to shut down and feel like my voice was taken.  That my feelings and experiences were no longer valid.  That forever i would be compared to _________ and if my thoughts and feelings were not deemed acceptable they should not be shared.

I had allowed myself to be discounted.

I spent a few weeks angry.  Then i was hurt.  Then i was angry again.  And in all of this i stopped updating my blog, i stopped commenting on blogs because i didnt feel like i had a voice to contribute or an opinion that was valued.

I don’t know that i truly understood the concept until that moment.  Until i had experienced being discounted.  The gut wrenching feeling of my feelings being discounted.

I have since spent some time finding my value and voice in things other than blogging and twitter.  I don’t feel discounted anymore.

Through my experience and hurt i discovered my life’s soap box.  The little piece of what i view as injustice that i can fight for.

What’s your life’s soapbox?  What makes your blood boil?

I stopped.
I started a new twitter account for many purposes but mostly to simplify.
I was over the popularity contest that i saw brewing online.

It had become a lot like High School drama and i was getting stressed over it and i didn’t want to be. I didn’t want stress. Twitter, Facebook and blogging had been my stress reliever, it was the place i went like another world that took me away from the stress of my then job. It was my make believe world that i could escape to and find refuge in.

I went through i time when i really wanted to just focus on living in the now. I posted over on Elora’s blog while she was in Africa something that was making my heart beat at the time. I posted about how i had been living life through 140 characters and to a point i think it hindered my experiences. It hindered what i got out of the moment because i wanted to share it with everyone and break this sometimes magical moment that can never be recreated. You can read it here.

The last couple of weeks I have been wrestling with some things in life like who i am. what kind of friend do i want to be. where did i see me in 5 years. where do i see chad and i in 5 years.

And for me personally the best way for me to spend some time hashing things out is to write. I know i am not the most fantastic writer and i use “…” too much and write in run on sentences that make my English teacher friends cringe (sara and elora), but it is in fact my outlet. And i stopped it.

But i want it back. I want to write again. I want to share my happiness. My struggles. My fears. My failures. My successes. I want to share it with you all.

So i want back. I can not promise i will update daily, but i am going to try and update more often. And it may be more raw as i fight some things out inside of me. I hope that you will join me.

buckle up. it could be an interesting ride.

Through out my life I have been objectified.

I was abused by several men growing up and because they viewed me as an object. I was no longer Lynse, my identity was taken away and i had become just another thing….a baseball card that is bought and sold…when you are done with it you maybe put it in the closet or throw it away.

There is not a lot of value in an object.

After years of being treated like an object i began to believe that i was an object. I was there for someone else’s pleasure. my dreams, aspirations and voice did not matter, because, you see, i was only an object.

I am no expert, but i feel like a lot of people i have talked to who were abused woke up one day and felt like “i have to find myself” or “reclaim who i am”.

As i was half watching Criminal Minds and half having an inner dialogue about the damage of being objectified i realized that it was probably the most damaging aspect, for me, of the abuse.

Once you are objectified over and over and over you begin to think you are an object and you follow suit of your abusers and remove your own value.

And the on going cycle begins…if you dont have any value in yourself then others wont value you.

today as i am 10 years past the most recent sexual abuse trauma i am still left picking up the pieces. I still am trying to learn to value myself. I am still trying to see that i have a voice and those that love me should value what i have to say. I am still learning that i am a valued person by those around me, and i deserve to be valued. I deserve to be a person and not an object.

This is why when we went to New Orleans and walked Bourbon Street messed with me. This is why a part of my heart aches for human trafficking victims. Not that i know the extent of the pain, loneliness and all other emotions that have to be tied up in there. But i know just a sliver. I know what it feels like to be devalued. To be told over and over by different people that you are worth no more than sex or the pleasure that you can provide to them.

each person deserves to be valued. valued by themselves and others.

this is something i am still learning…and will probably be learning for my entire life. Learning to first value myself and then those around me.

Do you have a hard time valuing yourself? What about others?

Each time i see it, it reminds me that we are to be LOVE to the world. How else will people around us know that we have the LOVE of God? If we repel people by offending them instead of loving them where they are what will make them want to come to God, who is LOVE.

I think about my story and how i got into church…i was a rebel, i was angry. I smoked, drank and cussed like a sailor. I had no reference for what was wrong or right in church or as a “christian.” No one had told me. It was a make it up as you go situation. But there were people, to whom i am so grateful for, who came alongside me and LOVED me where i was…and for who i was then. They knew that if they could encourage me to get closer to the God of LOVE that the different things in my life would begin to line up with scripture.

Had they have sat me down and attacked me i would have been so turned off…and to be honest i would still be turned off. I sent this tweet on Friday and i stand by it

“Don’t get me wrong I love Gods truth but if you say it in a judging manner and not in love I don’t want to hear it.”

There is a difference in speaking the truth in love and speaking it with judgement. LOVE compels you to improve while judgment causes you to back off and turn away.

So, i have a two part question….and would love your thoughts….

1.  Is it christians that are turning people away from God with their actions, words and judgement?

2.  As a christian, what could you/we do better?

if you dont watch LOST please excuse the LOST talk…it is a good quote that resonates with me…not just a LOST quote. ;)

in season 3 episode 11 Sayid is flashingback to when he was being tortured to confess that he tortured a lady during his time in the republican guard (Iraqi Army). She comes in to talk to him, to have him confess…and this is what she says,

“After my husband and I first arrived to Paris, I was afraid to ever leave our apartment. So I would stare out the window of our apartment and I would see this cat looking for scraps. One day some children came to the alley and trapped him in a box. I watched them light firecrackers and drop them into the box. I could hear him howling from three stories above. And finally, I had a reason to leave my apartment. I rescued this cat, and I brought it home. It sits with me when I read, sleeps with me, and he purrs. But, every once in a while, he will bite me or scratch me. He does this because he forgets that he is safe. So I forgive him when he bites me, because I know what it is like to never feel safe. And that is because of you. So today, I ask only one thing of you. I ask that you show me the respect of acknowledging what you did to me. That it was you who questioned me, that tortured me, and that you remember me.”

when i heard that i started to cry.  i realized that it put into words what i feel at times.  what it feels like to never feel safe.  because of the abuse i endured i dont always feel safe. i have different fears that haunt me because of things that were done to me. and a lot of times i feel like that tortured cat…not feeling safe is a scary thing for me. because i wasnt safe then so i try so hard to feel safe now to avoid some of those feelings from coming back.

But i am so thankful that i have a husband who understands those fears and my need to feel safe. but who also understands that when i dont feel safe i get a little weird…i act like that cat. i do crazy things to have control to feel safe.

anyways…is there a quote in a song or a movie that “gets it?”  that you heard or read and you thought…yep, thats me…in words?

wait…did you just read that? my husband is a pastor! I am married to a pastor…and that makes me….

you guessed it…

A PASTORS WIFE.

I knew this was coming. I liked the idea of it. but then BAM…it hit me.

i have this picture and concept in my head of what a pastor’s wife should be like…and i am unsure i fit it. I know that if i am genuine and me it will all be good…but honestly it is the dang title that scares me.

I dont care too much for boxes and trying to fit in them and actually i heard this quote somewhere,

people who dont like boxes are those that dont fit in them…

and it is so true. I dont feel like i fit into the “pastor’s wife” box…or really want to. well, the stereotypical pastor’s wife box. There are freaking sweet pastor’s wives that are around… case in point Tam Hodge, Lori Wilhite, Brandi Wilson….and i can be like those pastor’s wives….just not the duggars like…not that she is a pastor’s wife. anyways, i digress.

all of that to say that the title and not the responsibility that freaks me out.  and i know it is just a title or a label or a box…but still it scares me.  ha!

Have you ever had a title, label or box that scared you?  do share.

Our next 2 weeks will be filled with packing, packing and more packing. Work and then precious moments with friends we will miss.

I have to be honest in saying that while i was packing the other day i came across a note from a friend that made me cry. She is younger than i am, in high school in fact. But i realized that by moving away i would miss seeing her grow up through her High School days and graduate.

This last week and a half is going to be hard to get through. Knowing that it will be lasts all over the place. There will probably be tears, you know, since i cry now, and happy moments.

My goal is to not let my sadness get in the way and hurt the precious moments that are celebrating the years of friendships.

But the truth is….

Moving is hard.
Saying goodbye Sucks.

But i know Chad and i are taking a step of faith and growing together…and that excites me.

So excuse the absence the next few weeks. I will update as much as i can…without internet and on the road. ;)

But when i return and my life is a little more normal you will get to hear of the new adventures of Chad and Lynse. I cant wait!!