Lynse Leanne

After we moved here in March I threw myself in to the desire to meet new people and make friends and get attached here. I was trying to make it my home. I was making an effort to better mine and Chad’s relationship….and many of you know twitter, facebook and blogging has been something that hasn’t assisted in the bettering of us. so i kind of broke away from it for a bit.

I stopped.
I started a new twitter account for many purposes but mostly to simplify.
I was over the popularity contest that i saw brewing online.

It had become a lot like High School drama and i was getting stressed over it and i didn’t want to be. I didn’t want stress. Twitter, Facebook and blogging had been my stress reliever, it was the place i went like another world that took me away from the stress of my then job. It was my make believe world that i could escape to and find refuge in.

I went through i time when i really wanted to just focus on living in the now. I posted over on Elora’s blog while she was in Africa something that was making my heart beat at the time. I posted about how i had been living life through 140 characters and to a point i think it hindered my experiences. It hindered what i got out of the moment because i wanted to share it with everyone and break this sometimes magical moment that can never be recreated. You can read it here.

The last couple of weeks I have been wrestling with some things in life like who i am. what kind of friend do i want to be. where did i see me in 5 years. where do i see chad and i in 5 years.

And for me personally the best way for me to spend some time hashing things out is to write. I know i am not the most fantastic writer and i use “…” too much and write in run on sentences that make my English teacher friends cringe (sara and elora), but it is in fact my outlet. And i stopped it.

But i want it back. I want to write again. I want to share my happiness. My struggles. My fears. My failures. My successes. I want to share it with you all.

So i want back. I can not promise i will update daily, but i am going to try and update more often. And it may be more raw as i fight some things out inside of me. I hope that you will join me.

buckle up. it could be an interesting ride.

I have this deep desire in me to lose weight. I see my parents and their weight struggles and I am on a pretty forward path to end up over weight and very unhealthy. I am 24 right now and have many years ahead of me. I have always said i dont want to live to be really old if my quality of life isnt great. I dont want to be confined to a bed or a wheel chair. That is just me. But as i look forward into the future my options are pretty black and white…

option 1 being i can work out now and be healthy and lead a healthy life for many years
option 2 i can continue to eat and indulge now and pay later. continue to gain weight which will in turn jack up my knees and other joints and then potentially be unable to enjoy life in the future.

it seems pretty black and white right? ya, to me too.

but to be honest, i am a quitter. I have good intentions to work out and go running but half way through i quit. I have no self drive when it comes to working out. and to be honest again, it really pisses me off. i look back throughout my life and i see this Lynse that has drive to get through some pretty hellish things.

I pushed through and survived the sexual and emotional abuse.
I pushed through and quit pot and cocaine.
I pushed through dealing with the abuse because i knew it would benefit me.

Now, none of those things were easy or fun. Let me tell you i hated every minute of it.

But when it comes to working out and getting healthy i cant push through and i always end up quitting.

Through my years in TwentyFourSeven during our insane workouts the leader would say several things to motivate us. The one thing that always stands out in my head is

“you can pay now or you can pay later.”

I can pay now by working out and pushing my body to run that extra mile or do that extra lunge or crunch. Or i can pay later by being unhealthy with a poor quality of life.

those are essentially my two options.

but every time i put on my exercise clothes and tie up my shoes there is that voice inside of me that says i will never finish the run. or i cant ever lose weight or get healthy. And i buy into it and quit.

I am a quitter.

I dont want to be a quitter. I dont want to be the person that looks back years from now and wishes that i would have just paid in my 20′s instead of paying in my 50′s.

As much as i would love a Jillian Michaels, (who by the way is so freaking kick ass) I dont think it would be good for me in the long run. Knowing me, after she left or i quit seeing the trainer i would quit. I would have not built equity up in myself to get out there and face my demons of quitting and would find another excuse to quit.

This is much more than a weight issue for me. This is a character thing. It is going to be a life long struggle that isn’t even associated to my physical health. It is a motivation issue. It is a self value issue. It is a confidence issue. A self starting issue.

And right now to combat this I think the only way i know how will be to put on my exercise clothes daily and lace up my running shoes daily and push myself. Do that last mile, that last lunge, that last crunch.

Not because I need to lose weight, but I need to show myself that I value me, that I deserve to be healthy, that most importantly i wont quit on myself.

What do you always end up quitting that you need to push through?

The other night Chad and i were watching Criminal Minds. In this episode a little girl was kidnapped and the FBI “experts” began to tell the parents that the person who took their child was viewing her as an object and not a little girl. This struck a very big chord with me.

Through out my life I have been objectified.

I was abused by several men growing up and because they viewed me as an object. I was no longer Lynse, my identity was taken away and i had become just another thing….a baseball card that is bought and sold…when you are done with it you maybe put it in the closet or throw it away.

There is not a lot of value in an object.

After years of being treated like an object i began to believe that i was an object. I was there for someone else’s pleasure. my dreams, aspirations and voice did not matter, because, you see, i was only an object.

I am no expert, but i feel like a lot of people i have talked to who were abused woke up one day and felt like “i have to find myself” or “reclaim who i am”.

As i was half watching Criminal Minds and half having an inner dialogue about the damage of being objectified i realized that it was probably the most damaging aspect, for me, of the abuse.

Once you are objectified over and over and over you begin to think you are an object and you follow suit of your abusers and remove your own value.

And the on going cycle begins…if you dont have any value in yourself then others wont value you.

today as i am 10 years past the most recent sexual abuse trauma i am still left picking up the pieces. I still am trying to learn to value myself. I am still trying to see that i have a voice and those that love me should value what i have to say. I am still learning that i am a valued person by those around me, and i deserve to be valued. I deserve to be a person and not an object.

This is why when we went to New Orleans and walked Bourbon Street messed with me. This is why a part of my heart aches for human trafficking victims. Not that i know the extent of the pain, loneliness and all other emotions that have to be tied up in there. But i know just a sliver. I know what it feels like to be devalued. To be told over and over by different people that you are worth no more than sex or the pleasure that you can provide to them.

each person deserves to be valued. valued by themselves and others.

this is something i am still learning…and will probably be learning for my entire life. Learning to first value myself and then those around me.

Do you have a hard time valuing yourself? What about others?

I was listening to NPR today at work and there was a story on a man in japan who performs divorce ceremonies. He thought it was weird we celebrated marriage but not divorce, so he has the couple, families and friends come to a ceremony.

If you want to read more about it here is an article I found about it.

I’m curious what you think about this…

This is a movie that we have seen…twice.  it is called Lord, Save Us From Your Followers.

Each time i see it, it reminds me that we are to be LOVE to the world. How else will people around us know that we have the LOVE of God? If we repel people by offending them instead of loving them where they are what will make them want to come to God, who is LOVE.

I think about my story and how i got into church…i was a rebel, i was angry. I smoked, drank and cussed like a sailor. I had no reference for what was wrong or right in church or as a “christian.” No one had told me. It was a make it up as you go situation. But there were people, to whom i am so grateful for, who came alongside me and LOVED me where i was…and for who i was then. They knew that if they could encourage me to get closer to the God of LOVE that the different things in my life would begin to line up with scripture.

Had they have sat me down and attacked me i would have been so turned off…and to be honest i would still be turned off. I sent this tweet on Friday and i stand by it

“Don’t get me wrong I love Gods truth but if you say it in a judging manner and not in love I don’t want to hear it.”

There is a difference in speaking the truth in love and speaking it with judgement. LOVE compels you to improve while judgment causes you to back off and turn away.

So, i have a two part question….and would love your thoughts….

1.  Is it christians that are turning people away from God with their actions, words and judgement?

2.  As a christian, what could you/we do better?