My Story – Freedom on the Other Side
Opening up and letting someone in started the long long road of recovery, the road that I am still traveling. Not only from self injury, but also from the abuse.
I can’t say that I am totally “over” the abuse, I think something like sexual abuse is something you carry with you your whole life. You may just grow detached as time goes on. I still daily deal with it. I still daily choose to forgive my abusers. I still daily face the lies I bought into. I still daily combat those lies with the truth of God.
Self injury is something that through God’s grace is behind me. After counseling and years of “sobriety” from it I can say that I no longer run to it for my first solution.
But to be honesty, I have hard times when I struggle with it and relapse. But I go to God and ask for His forgiveness, I confess it to a safe person and I move on, I no longer let guilt play in my mind, God has moved on… and so should I.
It has taken years to get to a place that I can even begin to think about sharing my story. I was 6 when all of this started and I am now 23….and it is only now that I feel strong enough to share.
Though it has been a rough fight I know that God has walked alongside me the whole time….and the times I couldn’t walk I know that He carried me.
As I continue to work through some of the lies I believed from other people or the lies that I told myself I have began to experience such freedom.
Chad and I work through the residue of this daily. I am still in counseling and it is a daily struggle I have to fight through.
Lies left un-touched for years become very hard to fight. They become ingrained in your life…everything. And it is totally unnoticed the more time goes on.
Through most of my life I have played the role of the victim. Because I kind of was, so I felt entitled to it.
But instead of carrying that through my entire life I chose to be a victor. I knew that God had something big for my life. And I woke up to the fact that I was choosing to hold onto it and stop God from doing big things in and through me.
So instead of sitting back and letting all of these things define who I am and change who God made me to be I chose to deal with them. Look the straight in the face and combat the lies.
I had a choice. I could continue to let it own me, define me and run my life….OR I could take a hold of God and fight through all of my junk. It was not and is not easy. But the freedom I have right now makes it worth it. And I know the longer I fight the more freedom I will know.
So today, October 29th, 2009 I would say that I am in a healthy place. I am still walking this all out. I am still learning what it means to live in freedom, in forgiveness, and without letting something totally define me.
I am learning to be me. The me that God made…not the me that I became because of circumstance.
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if you missed my story you can catch up here.
Part 1 – my first secret
Part 2 – it was who i was
Part 3 – the first cut is the deepest
Part 4 – I just wanted a friend
Part 5 – The Only Thing I Had
So beautiful….I am so glad you made the choice to be the victor as well! And you are right, that we carry these scars for the rest of our lives. But they are scars that will help bring healing to others once we share; like your friend did for you. And the lies we have to discard and fight with truth every second it seems just allows us the unique opportunity to be close to God all the time, and to never forget what God has done for us….Hold on to that when things get tough again; God is using you and has a purpose in mind for you. Your life was not a mistake, and He is definitely using your "bad" for His "good".
Blessings,
Lindsey
Thank you. I am so glad that i chose to let God use my bad for His good. God works in some cool ways.
Lynse, this is an amazing testimony to what God has done in you! I pray you never doubt yourself or what God has done in you and that you will believe and walk in God’s truth about who you are. You are beautiful inside and out and you are going to help so many others get to where you are now. i saw the website you are working on, cant wait to see it once its up and going. :)
Sierra, Thank you. Honestly, i think i have too many tattoos to ever walk away from God….haha…they would taunt me if i forgot what He did in my life.
Awesome, Lynse. I really don't have anything profound to add…God loves you immensely. He knew and loved you when you were 6 and every day since. And he's given you beauty for ashes! Love you!
That is very true and very comforting. For a long time i didnt believe that He knew or cared then…but I know He did…and does. I love you too!
=] beautiful, amazing testimony. i pray that God will continue to heal u in every aspect of your life… even in your memories. i know the path & journey to healing is not easy..but i pray His grace, love, strength & comfort will see you through….just like He has done & is still doing with me. though there are still fears, setbacks & emotions that we face because of the abuse….there is hope to rejoice & be glad because He makes all things new, EVERYDAY.
looking forward to getting to know you better. ( i just followed you on twitter too) – @pa3cia
Thank you for that. I know that God is working in me and will continue to work in me.
I will follow you on twitter right now…honestly i thought you were spam…that number in your name. But now i know!
I am so proud of you and how you’ve allowed God and others to help you through all the junk! I love you tons!!! =)
Thanks RachelAnn….I love you. Thanks for your support.
proud… i am proud of you.
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I am proud of me too…oh, wait. I mean i am proud of you.
Thanks for the encouragement throughout the week. You rock!
you are wonderful. beautiful. whole in Him.
and i am proud to know you.
i know that reading it condensed into six parts doesn't convey the full weight of it all. from your wounds to how hard you've pressed into God. but i can tell that you've been intentional about your growth and healing. and i admire you for that.
your life is a testament to the grace of God. and your life shouts glory to Him.
What Alece said.
I'm so proud that you are learning and dealing with this at 23 instead of later. God's got amazing things for you.
Keep on. I can promise you one thing. The days between those walks through the residue will grow farther apart. You won't completely forget, but you'll be so far past it.
Faye,
me too….i am blessed with amazing people that have walked with me through this process.
I am looking forward to the day when it is behind me…
this post is so jam-packed with wisdom, girl!
the person you are now compared to the person you were when we first met blows me away. everything about you has changed. your determination and healing have moved you so far. lynse, you have a lot of influence and a beautiful opportunity to walk alongside the abused, the frightened, the victims and show them what healing looks like, show them it can happen. you are living proof!
i love you!
Wow Tam. When i first read your comment i had to go back and read my own post. haha!
I am excited that God is allowing my story to be used for Him.
I love you a ton! Thanks for being in the process.
I have read all of the posts that make up your story. When I’m finished reading them, I’m left with this blank feeling. Rarely am I speechless, but I have no idea what to say.
I don’t have any idea how life must have been like. I can’t tell you I understand. In the end, all I can do is thank you. Thank you for sharing your pain, your struggles and your success. I think of you when I’m about to complain….What I think is “so” bad, isn’t anymore.
Thanks again!
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I'm so glad I got to read your story. It's wonderful to see how God has brought you through so much and that you are in a place of healing and beauty. Thank you for sharing!
God has done an amazing work in my ilfe. Thank you for reading.
Aleca, I am so proud and blessed to know you. I am now totally bummed that we didnt get to meet up when i was in Atlanta.
It has been a hard journey but so worth it on the other side….right now.
Thanks so much for your support.
I wanted to wait to say anything but I coundn’t wait any longer. I have to say that you are a picture of God’s Grace with skin on. I admire your bravery and pray that anyone who comes across these posts will not only see themselves but most of all that they will see you pointing to Jesus at work in your life! Well done!
Cheryl´s last blog ..This is a Test
Here's to ongoing, life long restoration. Honoured to be part of that process with you.
And yes, I plan to spell honoured the correct way as many times as I honourably can.
It's an honour to be able to.
Ok, that's enough :)
Permission to post these to my FB?
Thank you for sharing your story. So many people need to hear that there is hope beyond the pain that happens in everyday life. God will truly use your story to bring about healing in so many hurting lives.
I am also a victim of sexual abuse. I know how hard it is to live a normal life and forgive your abusers. My abuse happened roughly the same time period of my life as yours did. I am now 30. There are days when it doesn't even "show itself" in my life and then there are times that a caress, whisper, or touch from my husband can send flashbacks flooding through my mind. Thank God my husband is patient and has walked through these rough, but ultimately healing times, with me.
Again, thank you for sharing. I pray that you will continue to be used by God.
Keep fighting the lies with God's truth! God bless, and you bring Him glory
through your weakness =)