My Story – I Just Wanted A Friend
I was 13 and was new to my school. 8th grade…the year I am convinced is the worst to change schools in….and I changed countries.
My first day was filled with such fear.
Was I going to look like all of them?
Would I act differently?
We moved to the South so I wondered if I would be able to understand any of them.
The first day of classes for me came around and I remember sitting in Reading class and getting a note from a girl one row over. (we will call her Melanie for this story).
The note simply asked my name, how old I was, where I lived and if I drank, smoked or did drugs.
I thought about the determination I had and debated playing dumb to avoid all of the things I wanted away from….but I was so desperate for friends, for love….for something. So I checked yes to all.
Turns out she lives in the apartments near my house. So it made sense that we would hang out. It just worked.
Melanie and I hung out all the time. We would get off the bus at her apartment and spend hours there. The first time I was over there she gave me the family scoop. She lived with her Uncle and Aunt, but her aunt was back home because her uncle had been drinking and became violent and beat her.
In my mind I saw all of the “red flags” but wanted to be accepted so bad, I just wanted a friend, so I brushed over it. I ignored the red flags and warning signs.
We would hang out, smoke pot, drink and whatever else we wanted and whenever we wanted. Her uncle would buy us anything we desired….alcohol, pot, cocaine…anything that would make us stay more time with them.
I posted a few weeks ago about one night at their house and how physically abusive he was…but that was a pretty regular thing. He would physically abuse his wife on a regular basis and us as well from time to time.
Not only did he physically abuse me, he began to sexually abuse me….
It started small and the more I was silent the more he did. The one time I tried to fight him he grabbed his trusty gun and made it very clear that if I were to fight it anymore he knew how to use the gun and wasn’t afraid to use it.
I cant explain to you why I kept going back, I have spent hours obsessing over it the only reason I can come up with is that I was scared for my life. I didn’t feel safe enough to tell anyone. I could have lost my only friend, or my life.
So I endured the abuse.
Over a period of 6 months the abuse escalated until he raped me.
I was 13, he was 46….
I felt so used.
So objectified.
So broken.
I knew these feelings from the abuse before. But this time it was more. I must have been the one to blame….because it kept happening. Did I have a target on my back that said “hey, come abuse me?”
A week after the rape Melanie moved to live with her grandmother and that was the end.
I knew that I no longer had to endure the abuse.
But the fear plagued me….
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If you missed part 1 – 3 here they are….
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Whew. Lynse. I love you, girl.
thank you. i love you too.
The "details" of our stories are not exactly the same, but the feelings and thoughts you describe are almost identical. You are being so brave Lynse. Keep writing and keep sharing your heart. You are truly being a light to other victims, and your voice is being heart. And I can tell you that on the other side of this, this sharing of a testimony to the world, to show God's glory, is powerful and humbling and exactly what God wants. I am so thankful that God has brought (or is bringing you through) this at such a young age.
Have you looked at the site She Seeks? It is part of Proverbs 31 Ministries and geared towards reaching women your age. You might consider submitting some of your writing there- your story could have so much impact.
Praying for you
Thank you so much for that encouragement. I sure needed that this morning. I am glad to know that i am not alone….as crappy as situations are. it helps to know there are others.
I have not looked at any of their stuff, but i will now. Thanks for letting me know about them.
oh my frick, lynse. you have endured so much. i don't even know what to say. except you are so strong. so brave.
and i am so dang proud of you.
I had to be. I had to grow up very early. But eventhough i didnt know God until i was 17 I know that He carried me through most of this stuff. Because i have no idea other than His hand how i survived this.
Thank you for your kind words. I am proud of you for sharing what you are. mucho respect.
"I had to be. I had to grow up very early. But eventhough i didnt know God until i was 17 I know that He carried me through most of this stuff. Because i have no idea other than His hand how i survived this."
Yes, he was right there with you, as he is now giving you the strength and courage to share and reach so many others….proud to be getting to know you and becoming your friend.
I LOVE YOU! (yes i know i said it before but guess what, im going to say it FOR-EV-R!)