My Story – The First Cut is the Deepest
My drinking habits had become a little more frequent, I began to smoke and snort any sort of drug I could get my hands on. Whether it be my moms Prozac or Valium I got from a friend, it became my out. It became a daily thing. I needed it to ignore the secret I was hiding. I had to keep my life together on the outside. I was the Captain of the soccer team, I was on the basketball team at school and played recreation basketball and softball. I had to keep going for my teams.
So I dove deeper into drugs and sports. Always wanting to be the farthest away from my house as possible.
Then the news came. We were packing up and moving to Tennessee. This was huge…I was born in Calgary and brought home to the same house we lived in until we moved to Tennessee. It wasn’t like we were moving across town.
We were moving to a different country.
Now, I know you don’t think Canada and the USA are totally different, and yes, they are similar in a lot of ways, but different still. It was a big change.
I was losing my friends. My teams. My connections. They were all going down the drain.
Now not only would I feel alone being around people all the time, but I would actually be alone.
I felt like the last things that were keeping me alive were being stripped from me. I was dying at the hands of my parents because of a job. I was convinced I was going to die.
I remember then feeling depressed. The actual textbook depressed. I remember thinking about killing myself, and how much easier it would be. To just die and go on to whatever may be on the other side. I didn’t care anymore.
My only goal was to keep my secret hidden. And honestly, I thought that I could…..
Through this time my drinking had been a lot more intense. I was bringing beer and wine coolers to school to get me through the day. One during lunch and the other on the way home. Just to give me enough to get home where I could drink and take pills for real. But this day I was walking to 7/11 to get my typical nachos and cheese. As I walked past the hockey rink I was so angry.
I was mad at what my life was, that I felt so alone, that no one really cared about me, that no one really knew who I was. And even if I did tell them they probably wouldn’t like me.
My anger got so intense that I took the beer bottle that was in my hand and slammed it against one of the metal rebar pieces. It shattered in my hand and sliced the inside of my hand open. I remember the shocking pain. The pain rushed through my body. And then I went numb. I remember sitting down for a minute and watching the blood flow out of my hand. It felt so good.
The bright red added some colour into my grey world. It showed me that I was alive and gave me hope that maybe it could get better, maybe I wouldn’t have to hurt all the time.
That was my introduction into self injury.
A total accident.
I fell into it…..
But in that moment I fell for it hook line and sinker.
The feeling, the numbness it gave me was so much better than any drink I had ever tried or any pills I had taken. It made me feel better. I could focus on that pain instead of the pain raging on the inside.
It was the only way I could make it through my days. I still drank very often and it continued to be my way of “getting through.”
In mid November we moved to Tennessee. Honesty,
I was excited about the fresh start. Moving gives you a chance to start over. I was determined to quit drinking, quit smoking and quit pills. I was going to clean myself up.
I thought I could clean my own life up.
When we moved a family walked into my life and my determination turned into a thought of the past as I dove deeper into the lifestyle I wanted to so desperately get away from.
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If you missed part 1 and 2 here they are….
Part 1
Part 2
Your story is so encouraging to me. I can idenitfy some with your move. My move last year was not to a new home, but to a new church, but even that greatly intensified my self-injury(I can't even remember when I started, but before that it had been rare occasions that I did it…not daily). Church was pretty much the only place I had close friends, and the only place I felt like I belonged and was more than just space-filler, so without it my SI got so much worse. I am realizing now that God moved me so that I would get scared of how much I was hurting myself and finally get help to stop…I know this seems really random…I'm not really sure if I'm writing more for me or more for you…communication is not something God gifted me in.
xxx – I am so glad that you got help. It is so hard to stop on your own. It took me years. I am praying for you and would love to help you in any way that I can. Thanks for being open on here.
If you don’t mind, can I ask you a question? You can not answer if you don’t want to, but I was wondering if you ever stopped wanting to hurt yourself, or if the actually acting on the desire just got more controlled. Right now I have gone 201 days without hurting myself, but I still struggle with wanting to every day. Does the desire ever go away or at least get less intense? If so, how did that work for you? Thanks for praying!! I definitely need that :).
i am so glad and thankful to God that you are here now. love ya!
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so interesting (if i can use that word) to hear that you fell into self-harm by accident.
thank you for continuing to share so openly about your past. it gives me the opportunity to glorify God with you for all He has redeemed you from.
it is interesting. After that it became much more scheduled and ritualistic. But that was the first encounter. Honestly, until I told someone in the church i didnt know what i was doing had a name. I just knew that i was hurting myself. And hurting to feel alive.
Thank you for encouraging me through the process. It is a hard step in the journey, but I am so thankful for where God has brought me. He is so good.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I honestly can't remember how you acted in those days i just remember spending new year with you and you family and the last august you guys were in Calgary we swam in the pool everyday and watched cool running and who wants to be a millionare. Are familys were so close. Im sorry you didnt feel that you could go to my parents for help. I hope that you finding God has given you some closure that it wasnt your fault you were a child. Thank you for shareing your story.
Britt, thank you so much. I wasnt ready to tell anyone. I was scared. In hindsight i am sure i had safe people around me, but i was too scared to speak up. I remember that summer too. It was a good summer for sure.
God has brought me very far in this journey. I am thankful for the healing and protection He has brought me through the years. Thank you so much for your words. I hope you all are doing well.
you have come such a long way, lynse.
i know its been a tough journey to get where you are today. but thinks for choosing to go the distance. i see the woman you are becoming, by your obedience and willing to let God heal you, and it just blows my mind.
stories like yours and aleces will reach far and plenty into the hearts that God wants to speak to. thank you for being that conduit. to be used in that way is truly an honor.
Thanks for listening to me when i was just complaining and encouraging me to let God in and heal me. I pray that God uses my story to bring others into light and freedom. Just like your story helped me. Tammit! i love you.
(and feel free to fix my silly typos. no. really.)
done. ;)
Im proud of you Lynse. I know that sharing this story is huge. but even bigger is the life that has come out of this story. you are an amazing lady, and I know this story will continue to heal you and allow others to start that process.
Thanks big brother! You and Tam have no idea how much that week blessed me. Our late night Lemon Drops and candid talks. I am so blessed to know you guys.
Im so glad God never give up on anyone. I see people your age and wish I could have known God then the way I know Him now, but then I really wouldnt change a thing. Our testimonies or stories probably wouldnt make such an impact on others if we didnt go through what we did. I thank God that you survived everything, I praise God that you are saved and living for God. Our scars will always remain…they are our battle wounds from life. You were one of the first people I met at COTH..and I truly thank God for that. Keep on bloggin…cause God aint done talkin :) Loves to ya..Lisa
Lisa, I was glad to meet you that day in the cafe. And to think an iPhone started our conversation. ha!!
i am so thankful that God promises to use our testimony to overcome the enemy and bring others into freedom. And…i am not planning to stop blogging soon, unless God stops talking… ;)
Bawling. Seriously. Lynse, I’m speechless. Loving you right now.
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Thank you. It was very hard to write. But God has done amazing work in my life.
I am so proud of your bravery to embrace your imperfect past and present through your sharing. I look forward to your next post.
Thank you. None of us are perfect…we are all Ragamuffins….some people just dont embrace that fact and try and hide it. I choose to be honest and let God use me because i am imperfect.
Love your honesty! Keeping these favorited as resource material. The more I know you, including your past, the more I value that we have crossed paths. You are a gem.
Thank you. I am glad that God had us cross paths as well….
I LOVE YOU! soooooooooooo much! and im super excited that your fam moved to the USA!