My Story – My First Secret
Let me tell you a big part of my story. In each persons life there is a story. A life that tells a story of goodness, pain, darkness, light, death and many other shades of life…but in everyone’s story is power. You can’t question a story. And today I write with that, my story.
I have lived in years of darkness and silence. Held captive to what I thought I controlled…the thing that brought me the most control. But until I got past it I didn’t even know that it was in fact controlling me.
So, here goes nothing….
I was born in Calgary, Canada. Growing up I had almost every material thing I could ever want. I had the bikes, the roller blades, the skate board, the hockey net (I am Canadian, remember).
I had it all. And on the outside my little life looked perfect.
But behind the scenes it was a much different story. My family was a very secret family. We didn’t really talk about what was going on with school, friends, boys, emotions….it was all just swept under the rug. So when I was having problems I didn’t feel like I could voice them. So I didn’t. I didn’t want to upset anyone by wanting to talk about something serious, so I just left well enough alone.
When I was about 6 a friend of mine who was a few years old began to molest me. It started as a fun little game between him, his older sister and me. She would spend time telling us what she learned in Sex Ed at school and she would then direct us to doing it. She was the puppet master and we were the puppets. Anything she said we did. I don’t remember feeling anything weird in that until the scenario changed.
Soon his sister stopped being involved and each time we would see each other he would demand that we “go play” and I knew what that meant. It meant that we were going to his room and he was going to molest me. It wasn’t anything different from what we had been doing before, but it began to become more and more intense and almost violent.
I remember being so young and telling some older friends this. I remember trying to tell them that it scared me, and it made me uncomfortable. Their response was always close to the same. That we were kids and learning our bodies. There was no harm in it. It was just fun and I should embrace what was going on and it would stop eventually.
But it continued on for years….Until I was 10.
I felt like no one cared.
Like I didn’t matter.
Like I wasn’t worth fighting for.
That I was just a sexual object.
Or maybe even I wasn’t loved.
That I was broken.
That I was not deserving.
Or maybe that I did it…I was in the wrong.
Lynse that is so young!
It's the season for crazy-bravery in telling our stories, and I know there's (continued) healing in this for you and for others. God has it mapped out, flooded with grace.
it is rather insane. I swore i would never do this…but i feel like it is a part of my healing.
You're breaking my heart, girl…. But – to know that you've risen above and are rocking the life after this – that is just amazing. Thank you for sharing all this!
Thank you for the encouragement. It was a process for sure.
I know sharing this is extremely painful for you, gut wrenching, and uncomfortable, but sometimes going through that kind of process helps heal you. The memories will always be there, but there comes a time when they seem more like a slide show than something you actually experienced; that the memories you are making today are more important to you than the ones that happened to you back then. Keep your courage and carry this process out until the end, you are doing wonderfully!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I do feel like this is a step in my healing. It has been a long road but i feel like this was an important step.
you are so courageous and strong.
i am so very sorry this happened to you. and that you carried the shame of thinking it was your fault for so many years…
you are worth so much more than how you've been treated.
Thank you. I am trying to face that lie daily. God is restoring me and showing me that i am worth so much more than that. Thanks.
Lynse. I don't know what to say. Thank you for being brave. I can't wait to hear the rest of the story—b/c I know Jesus has done miracles for you! Love you!
haha….well, then you will just have to check back this week. ha! Thank you for encouraging me. And you have got to see a couple steps in this journey. love you all!
I'm so proud of you bravery. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself. I'm inspired.
thank you. it was not an easy step….but one that is worth it.
Lynse:
Your story breaks my heart. I am so sad for the loss, the evil done to you and silence you’ve carried around for so long.
Your courage will give others courage, sister. I am so proud of you.
Dawn Carter
Dawn Carter´s last blog ..Ideacamp Video: ICDC Justice Edition
thanks Dawn. its funny because until recently i didnt see myself as a survivor or courageous….until i met others who were…then i realized that it will always be a process…just cause i am not "done" doesnt mean i am not strong, courageous or a survivor.
Love you!
you are my hero. so proud you're posting your secrets and no longer allowing them to own you. still praying and won't stop even after your story is told.
love you!
thanks….secrets are easy to hold onto….but they are not fun at all. maybe for a bit, but then they just suck!
reading your story via [@jclayville]'s tweets. wow. so heartbreaking. sorry you had to go through that. my heart breaks everytime i hear a story about abuse because we have very similar stories….but instead of it being my friend…it was my fathers (i had two)… i was 5 when it started…and it went on till i was 14. by the time i was 14…i literally felt like my soul was DEAD. thank God Jesus came and breathed life back into me.
abuse cuts people in deep ways. its so deep that people don't realize the trauma it involves. so much fear & bondage that goes along with it. thank God He is able to heal us in ALL areas, physical, emotional, relational, intellectual & spiritual.
thank you for sharing your testimony. keep on speaking it out in the light. so many women need to hear this!
Thank you so much for that! It makes me feel a little less crazy when i hear other women say \”me too.\” But i am so sorry that that has happened to you. I am glad to see that you let God in and let Him heal you.
My heart breaks for you because i know the pain, but i also know the journey of freedom and what it feels like on the other side….so my heart is happy for you to know that as well.
Guess we have a lot more in common than I realized…way to go sharing it. You're right–it is a step in healing and God will use your experiences and you in incredible ways to reach people…those who are hiding as you once were. Ur awesome!!
i guess so…didnt know that either. that is my heart…for others to experience the freedom i have come to know. You rock!
amazing how much we all have in common, isn't it.
Hi there- Came over from Jenni's blog.
I don't "know" you, but I certainly feel your pain and am going through much the same process of seeking God in my abusive childhood. I commend you for speaking out and writing about it. I am doing the same, and am often bombarded with fear about talking about this part of my story in detail. Which is just Satan trying to stir up shame that does not need to be there. We are beautiful in Christ, and our stories reflect His glory.
I look forward to reading your story and how God has redeemed you!
you know already how i feel about you and telling your story. recently, ive felt like ive told everyone i love how proud i am of them. so many dear ones in my life are taking such huge steps. scary steps. steps into the unknown. but you all know that there is hope in that. your story is His story that will move in the hearts of the people who need to see redemption and grace.
lynse – the step you have taken is hard. but it is a huge turning point, not only in your life, but in the lives of others as they learn of your story and journey.
i love you so much…and yes, i am beyond proud of you!
you already know how proud i am for you sharing your story this week. you're bringing light to the darkest moments of your life, and in doing so, the things within us that feed on the dark, will be scattered in fear. other people are going to find victory and hope through your story, and the enemy will even further be pushed aside. i love you and am praying for you without ceasing.
I have read this story … and I'm at a loss for words. I REALLY am sorry this has happened to you. BUT GOD HAS BROUGHT YOU OUT! So I'm eager to see the rest of the story.
I LOVE YOU!