My Story – It Was Who I Was
Flash forward a few years. I am in Jr. High and just trying to be a normal kid. I had not told anyone of my abuse, but it was like one of those movies that keep playing in the back of your head. One of those things you can’t move past. No matter how desperately you try and stop you can’t.
All of my other friends were getting boyfriends and dating and falling in “love” I had absolutely no desire to do that.
I had become so ashamed of what I was.
How could he have that done to me over and over and I not be able to change it?
The shame I felt then led me to want to hide. To always kept a safe distance from everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what was done, or what I did. They may think I am dirty, or it was my fault.
So the rest of my Jr. High life in Canada was spent trying to “be friends” with those around me but hide just enough that they would never really know who I was.
Hiding who I was and the desire to always be alone led me to drinking. I would binge drink with what was in my home. I would sneak it from my parents liquor cabinet or I would steal it from my friends houses. I would get totally messed up just for an hour when I could forget everything I had been through. For a bit of freedom from my intense feelings of shame.
You see, the shame moved from just feeling ashamed from what happened, and what was done to me…it became who I was.
I heaped the shame on . I was attached to it.
It was who I was…not what was done to me.
i can feel the heaviness of your heart, of those years, in your words.
i pray that even as you put syllables to all this, and feel so exposed and vulnerable in putting this out in the blogosphere, that you feel enveloped and held by His peace.
His amazing nonsensical peace.
tears. seriously. you have me crying. i truly feel His peace today….last night not so much, but today yes. God is so faithful and so good.
I think that people minimize or at the very leat misunderstand shame. It is so powerful. You are so brave and so honest. Thank you for sharing this! Love you!
Thank you. Shame killed me. It is what i had to work so hard through…not the events, but the shame that it put on me.
I LOVE YOU! MORE and MORE!