Hurting to Live
THIS IS A REPOST WITH A NEW NAME…
Yesterday i spent some time writing my story in hopes to share part of it with you all in the very near future. But as my heart is dreaming big about what i want to do and become i want to make a shift and take some time talking about something that is near to my heart, Self Injury.
Looking at stats it has sort of become an epidemic in the youth of the US. It is not a new thing by any means, but something that can take root in your life and destroy you.
I wanted to share a bit of my road of cutting and self injury. As i talk more about it i would love your thoughts, insights and opinions on the topic.
So please, join me in the dialogue.
Here we go…..
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To most the thought of harming yourself would be so outlandish that you would look at me like i was crazy if i told you that it makes sense to me.
I am choosing to write about this because there is such a need around this generation to bring light and truth to the fact that a lot of this generation is stuck in the rut of Self Injury. It is a painful place to be and takes a lot to get past. It is a dark place to get stuck. And as statistics are showing there are a lot of people stuck there.
So i want to share my story……
I started “cutting” when i was 13. I dont fully remember how i was introduced to it, but within a few days had taken root in my life. The pain that was so deep inside of me was killing me. i was allowing myself to die emotionally. It was a fight that i didnt want to take place but had no idea of how to stop it. It seemed meaningless to fight to keep them alive when i viewed them as the things that were causing me so much pain.
So my only solution to make sure that i was not dying totally was to hurt myself. To feel the pain on the outside assured me that i was still alive. That there was still hope. At least that it how it all started. It started out of my desire for hope. For some feeling to let me know that i was alive. That i could still feel something. That one day maybe i would feel again.
Soon it became an addiction. I had my way of doing it. I had my “ritual.” The when and how. within 2 months it had moved past the need for hope. My body and mind were addicted to the feeling. To the release that it gave me. My rage towards myself and other people had grown so much that i didnt know how to release it. And i thought this was a good way.
As time went on whether i had a bad day or not i had to cut. I had to do it each night before i went to bed. It calmed me enough to rest and go to sleep. (and about addiction, still to this day if i experience intense pain i get tired because my mind was trained to go to sleep after pain.)
I share this because i know that there are people who are in this rut. And honestly, it breaks my heart. because being on the other side of this “journey” for hope i have found that the only hope that there is is in Christ. I know, i sound super spiritual….but it is true.
The only way that i could figure that out was to get to the darkest part of my life. I was in such darkness. I had been cutting for 4 years and no one knew. I had a secret. And it was a dark dark place to be in. full of pain and the desire to get caught in hope that someone could help me. I was tired of the darkness. And the only solution i knew was to come clean. To get someone in my head and share the journey with.
This was key for me. To let someone in and know the pains and the hurts. I knew that if i let this remain in the darkness it would grow bigger and bigger. and the thing that once started in the search for hope was driving me further and further away from it. I was hurting to live.
The person i went to had no idea what to say. She often looked at me dumbfounded. the thought of doing that to herself was so absurd that she couldnt understand. But she listened. She was determined to help me in any ways she could, even though she didnt understand.
You cant wait until you understand to help someone. And this is what i see happening. So many people know people who self injure and are trying to learn why they do it. Each person has their story. And if you ask, i am sure they will share. It is a very dangerous thing to get into. You may not realize the roots that it can create in your life. But i would encourage you to share your story with someone.
But without sounding like a public service announcement, if you self injure or know someone who does please please please let someone in. Let someone into your darkness. It will hurt at first. It will be uncomfortable. It will be embarrassing. But if you live in the darkness alone your life will never change. Let someone in and bring the light into your pain.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know God will use it for someone to "stumble" across on the www and it will give them hope. I am ministering to a cutter now, and you are right, its a deep, deep root that really takes control. BUT JESUS! He truly is our deliverer…. from all things! I have a front row seat to watch God transform her life and heal her pain!
yes! Jesus is our deliver. Count that as a blessing that she is open and willing to let you walk with her! That is huge. any assistance i can be to you in that process i would love to!
Love it, Lynse. This is powerful.
Thanks! and it is all God's work. not mine.
Lynse this is a powerful story! You are going to minister to so many teenagers in this generation!
Thanks for ALWAYS be so honest in your writing and updates on facebook!
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Thanks for your encouragement, it means alot.
Sending it now to some people I know who are dealing with the same secrets — on both sides. Thank you.
Thank you. I know that God uses things like this. I am just willing and open to be used.
That's bold Lynse. I know God is using your story and will continue to use you as he keeps writing it.
Thank you! It is not easy to open up, but i know that God will use it.
a few years ago one of our interns struggled with self-harm. i so badly wanted to help her, but felt clueless how to. i did some research, but mostly just asked her a lot of questions. engaged in open honest dialogue with her about it. it proved to be healing for her and helpful for me…
i value transparency. thank you for sharing your heart, your journey.
asking the person is always the key. because i can list 5 million reasons i do it…but my story is different than theirs. so of course their \”whys\” would be different.
I totally agree that you need to tell someone to get over it. I tried to stop for a while without telling anyone, but was never very committed to it. Any time it got hard, all notion of quitting abandoned ship. Once I told someone, I was a lot more committed to it. Also, even if I had had the committment before, I probably would have given up by now if I had not told anyone, because it is super hard to stop and no one would have ever known I hurt myself because of how I have done it. Right now I am at a point where I have not hurt myself in 192 days, but every day is a challenge, because every day I want to hurt myself so much. Some days it gets so bad that I want to just give up, but I do not want to let my friend down (especially because by using traditional definitions of friends she is my only friend, although I tend to re-define friend). I think that telling someone else also can help get perspective and help on the harder questions…like I had convinced myself that in certain situations that God would want me to hurt myself and I was trying to figure out how to rectify that with the idea of my body being a temple…I feel like this comment is way too long so I am going to stop repeating myself because you probably get the idea now. :)
I am anxious to hear what your insider observations are about what is helpful/constructive for a friend trying to come along side someone addicted to this, as well as what a friend should avoid doing.
Thank you for sharing. I didn't understand cutting before and was scared of it when someone told me they did it. I hope I'll be a better listener next time.
God reminded me recently that my coping mechanism for years was to plan my own suicide. Whether I acted on it or not was my control. I'm not a young person but I was only able to share this a few months ago. God has healed me and also used the verse about my body being a temple.
Thank you for your honesty and bravery and for letting God use you.
Lynse- thank you so much for your courage in sharing this. Your blog is such a blessing anyway – but when you really go deep like this, and become vulnerable, it shows incredible strength – and is such a testimony to what Christ has done in you.
I have never self-harmed, but recently (as an adult) I have felt such strong emotional pain, that the thought of causing physical pain to replace the emotional was appealing to me – and thankfully I was able to get help and avoid the cycle – but my point is that I get it. I understand the desire, and I understand how it could become an addiction.
Blessings on you for your honesty, and for the way that your words will reach so many!