SWAP: Running
30 Sep
Jenni Clayville is an awesome woman of God. I was blessed to get to meet her when i went out to Oregon for 10 days in June. She is a worship leader, wife and mother.
Her pursuit for honesty, truth and a Godly life inspires me to do the same. She is one of the strongest women that i know….and the funniest.
You can read more of her rockstar blog here.
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I’ve been running…
Since I was seven years old, I’ve been running.
When my parents divorced… I ran.
When I couldn’t find my significance… I ran.
When I was building my career and life… I ran.
You see, it wasn’t just the bad things I ran from. I had no idea how to process or deal with life in a healthy way. I didn’t understand that running from the issue didn’t resolve or change the issue… it only “misplaced” me. When anything ever happened to me, good OR bad, I ran.
Each time I ran, I just found myself more… lost.
This practice of running quickly trained me to stuff my feelings, hide my secrets and eventually, I was such a good runner, I ran STRAIGHT into another man’s arms.
“BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”
“Still” scares me.
“Still” means I have to FACE my problems.
“Still” means I have to admit my mistakes.
“Still” means I don’t get to be all jacked-up and hopeless anymore.
“Still” means I NEED grace.
But you know what?…
“Still” also meant I get to breathe.
“Still” gave me time to heal my hurts.
“Still” meant that healing was just around the corner.
“Still” gave me a second chance.
“Still” meant resolution and restoration.
“STILL” was exactly what I needed.
I stopped running and let others catch up with me. I let others carry me (which to be completely honest was and IS very uncomfortable for me, but needed), and more importantly… when I stopped, I realized I had no reason for running.
I spent 23 years running… non-stop. I was tired.
I relate to this idea of "running" all too well. I ran to keep from being hurt. But instead of being hurt by others, I hurt myself from never allowing myself to know anything real. Not only is this kind of running exhausting, but it is lonely. Because before long, I noticed that while I was running, eventually no one was chasing me anymore. Thanks for the reminder, friend.
love you, girl. i only know this because i lived. there's so much recovery and peace in the "still" :) let's just hope i don't forget too soon.
Jenni, I love this post because i feel like most times of my life i am running. It has become something that is so in me that i cant imagine not. It is easier…if it hurts you can just escape it. But it is true, eventually you have to let others catch up. Thanks for that.
love you so much!