searching for hope
To most the thought of harming yourself would be so outlandish that you would look at me like i was crazy if i told you that it makes sense to me.
I am choosing to write about this because there is such a need around this generation to bring light and truth to the fact that a lot of this generation is stuck in the rut of Self Injury. It is a painful place to be and takes a lot to get past. It is a dark place to get stuck. And as statistics are showing there are a lot of people stuck there.
So i want to share my story……
I started “cutting” when i was 13. I dont fully remember how i was introduced to it, but within a few days had taken root in my life. The pain that was so deep inside of me was killing me. i was allowing myself to die emotionally. It was a fight that i didnt want to take place but had no idea of how to stop it. It seemed meaningless to fight to keep them alive when i viewed them as the things that were causing me so much pain.
So my only solution to make sure that i was not dying totally was to hurt myself. To feel the pain on the outside assured me that i was still alive. That there was still hope. At least that it how it all started. It started out of my desire for hope. For some feeling to let me know that i was alive. That i could still feel something. That one day maybe i would feel again.
Soon it became an addiction. I had my way of doing it. I had my “ritual.” The when and how. within 2 months it had moved past the need for hope. My body and mind were addicted to the feeling. To the release that it gave me. My rage towards myself and other people had grown so much that i didnt know how to release it. And i thought this was a good way.
As time went on whether i had a bad day or not i had to cut. I had to do it each night before i went to bed. It calmed me enough to rest and go to sleep. (and about addiction, still to this day if i experience intense pain i get tired because my mind was trained to go to sleep after pain.)
I share this because i know that there are people who are in this rut. And honestly, it breaks my heart. because being on the other side of this “journey” for hope i have found that the only hope that there is is in Christ. I know, i sound super spiritual….but it is true.
The only way that i could figure that out was to get to the darkest part of my life. I was in such darkness. I had been cutting for 4 years and no one knew. I had a secret. And it was a dark dark place to be in. full of pain and the desire to get caught in hope that someone could help me. I was tired of the darkness. And the only solution i knew was to come clean. To get someone in my head and share the journey with.
This was key for me. To let someone in and know the pains and the hurts. I knew that if i let this remain in the darkness it would grow bigger and bigger. and the thing that once started in the search for hope was driving me further and further away from it.
The person i went to had no idea what to say. She often looked at me dumbfounded. the thought of doing that to herself was so absurd that she couldnt understand. But she listened. She was determined to help me in any ways she could, even though she didnt understand.
You cant wait until you understand to help someone. And this is what i see happening. So many people know people who self injure and are trying to learn why they do it. Each person has their story. And if you ask, i am sure they will share. It is a very dangerous thing to get into. You may not realize the roots that it can create in your life. But i would encourage you to share your story with someone.
But without sounding like a public service announcement, if you self injure or know someone who does please please please let someone in. Let someone into your darkness. It will hurt at first. It will be uncomfortable. It will be embarrassing. But if you live in the darkness alone your life will never change. Let someone in and bring the light into your pain.
i had a roommate that was a cutter
we talked about it some
but she never desired healing the way that you have
it was scary not knowing how to help her
walking in on her several times at just the right moment to :save her from herself:
thanks for sharing
just read,thanks
Hi,
Thanx fior the post. I read about it on FlowerDust. we have a lot of our youth cutting themselves.
How can I help them?
May i post your post on our blog?
love you girl!
i’m so glad you found your hope. love you. proud of you. thanks for being so transparent.
As a long-time self-injurer, I can tell you that even letting someone into your pain/life doesn’t always do it.
Self-injury is a serious problem. People do it for many reasons, and with many intents. Unfortunately there is no template we can lay over a self-injurer that defines them.
I am working hard in therapy on my self-injury, and have just started creation of a self-injury template in order to track my progress.
I like this story of hope and light.
There are so many of us still living in the darkness.
Ewald – the only thing i can tell you to do to help them is to listen. Each person has a personal reason for doing it.
Dont imply they are doing it for attention….it could loose their trust.
Just listen and try to learn from them. they are your best teachers for the future.
renee- that is why i posted this. if you bring something into the light you allow God to come in and take it from the darkness into the light.
It may be a very painful process and you will need to adjust, but in the end the light is always better than the darkness.
Three and a half years ago I had a random girl who I had never met contact me via blog because she felt like she could trust me. I asked her what she thought I could do. She replied with, “i have no clue, but God told me to come to you”. During the first three months of talking with her via email/blog comments she shared her painful story of sexual abuse, cocaine addiction, eating disorders, and self-injury. I was at that time a full time volunteer at a local youth ministry. This was the first time I had ever really encountered anyone with cutting, that I knew was cutting that is. I did not know how to respond when she told me, but I felt a desire to know more about this. I started to read books, talk with counselors, ask questions to people that I knew had encountered the similar. I started to pray that God would truly break me for whatever it was He wanted to break me for. Shortly after I found TWLOHA, loved the organization, purchased a few shirts and started to wear them. My students noticed, asked what it meant. Never did I know what would happen. Many students started to share with me their struggles/pain that would ultimately lead to cutting. God broke me. He used me in girl #1’s life and continue to do so in other students lives. Girl #1 was plugged into Mercy Ministries and has since graduated from there.
I just want you to know and the other people out there who are struggling, that there is hope. It seems so text book that God is the answer to your healing. He is though, it’s true. The funny thing about healing is that you have to want healing. You have to be proactive in seeking healing. He can heal you. His love is efficient and enough.
For those of you who know people that are struggling, please don’t focus on their cutting. It’s not even about the cutting. It’s so much larger than that. Focus on loving them, and helping them with the pain they are experiencing in their lives. Show them that you are not leaving their side, and that they are not in this fight alone. Point them in the direction of God.
Lastly, to you, thank you for sharing your beautiful story of hope and freedom. It’s a beautiful thing, really. I found you through Anne’s blog. You have to not stay silent ever about how you reached your healing. It’s a story of God’s love and freedom, that he is begging for you to share to everyone. You will be lifted up in my prayers, that you can continue to receive freedom from yourself and from the temptation that is placed on you daily. Be blessed!
http://www.vagabondrunn.wordpress.com
vagabondrunn, you are so right….not focusing on the cutting as the issue, but the heart of the person. I am glad that girl was able to come to you and trust you.
TWLOHA is an awesome organization. They are doing great work!
Thank you so much for your prayers.
Thank you for sharing the hope of Jesus. Telling your story helps those who need to share their secret and those who will listen. Thank you.
Thank you for the honesty and transparency of that post. People need to read stuff like that to be reminded that we all have our struggles and none is worse than the next. Thank God for the victory to overcome.
bless you sweetie for sharing! i know it can be an emotional event to share a part of yourself like this even while it’s empowering and freeing. you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Twloha (www.twloha.com) really is doing great things for the church. Cutting is something people don’t wanna talk about. Counselors are calling it the “new anorexia”. Eating disorder talk was taboo, but now it has been out in the open enough where girls can get help, and it’s not as “startling” as cutting is. Cutting is a very complicated addiction.
To those seeking advice on how to deal with someone who cuts: find referrals. Depending on the severity of how much they cut, always have a referral in the back of your mind if things get more complicated than you realistically know you’re qualified to handle.
Someone who cuts is not attempting suicide- in fact, quite the opposite. Do not ask to look at a cutters arms (or wherever they may cut- could be the thighs, the stomach, the upper arms, wrists, legs, ankles- places that can be concealed by clothing).
Try to ask pointed questions that get to the problem- as people have mentioned, it’s not cutting that is the issue, that just happens to be the outlet.
The reason could me a myriad of things:
1. sexual abuse.
2. Inability to express emotions, especially anger at home
3. Depression in general
4. bi-polar disorder
5. never learned how to adequately deal with situations, particularly dealing with others’ disappointment/ need for perfection
and a hundred other things.
What you may think is a very trivial trigger for a cutter is the exact opposite: it is proof that they’ve not learned how to cope with seemingly “simple” things in life.
Be encouraging. Hug them if they’ll let you. Affirm their abilities.
If you are in an accountability relationship with a cutter and they cut- never say “I’m disappointed with you that you did it again.” that will re-enforce their negative inner dialogue.
Hope this helps you some.
if anybody has specific questions, I’m free to answer them:
african_emo@hotmail.com
Thank you for sharing! Although I have never struggled myself, I have often talked to student that do. I’m sure many times I have been the one looking at them loving but now knowing what to say. Just listening. Again thank you for sharing your story. Keep it up, you never know how the pain you have walked through is going to help someone else!!!
“For those of you who know people that are struggling, please don’t focus on their cutting. It’s not even about the cutting. It’s so much larger than that.”
This is so right, but so often missed. I’ve talked myself out of asking for help or sharing my story many times because I was afraid people would get too caught up on the cutting and fail to recognize it as just a symptom of the real issue.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I admire your courage in sharing this! What a difference you’re making!
Thanks for sharing your story. It is something I truly appreciate. Hopefully this will help remove the stigma.
you are one strong woman. i am so proud of you!
tam’s last blog post..pimp my post
I have to coment that while twloha may be awesome for some people, it is not good for everybody. I used to hurt myself (haven't for 190 days though!!! Praise God!!!). When I ran across the twloha site it was actually very tempting. It sparked an idea in me to take a knife or something to actually carve a heart into my arms(I have never used cutting as a method of self-injury). For months after I initially saw the site, I really really wanted to cut myself in that heart. I somehow managed to keep myself from doing it, but I just want to let anyone know who might be thinking of showing it to a girl who hurts herself to make sure it will not be a temptation to her as it was to me.
Hannah,
I am so proud of you!! That is HUGE! It took me a while to stop injuring and those milestones are huge and feel amazing!!
You are so right. I find the more i see/talk about or hear about self injury the more i think about it. I think what scripture says about taking every thought captive is where that comes in!