Lynse Leanne

6 Months ago I had Print. He is awesome… see?

He is the cutest most adorable little dude.  He has a little personality now and it’s fun…when he’s not cranky and wants his dad.  He’s chunky and his rolls are so adorable.

He is full of unicorns and glitter.

Me, his mom, not so much.  I haven’t shared too much about my postpartum time online because it’s been tough.  My birth didn’t go as I planned but I was able to have him vaginally.  Breast Feeding never happened.  He wouldn’t latch.  Everyone we saw just said “he won’t open his mouth big enough”.

I was devastated.  I blamed myself.  I had consented to vacuum extraction after pushing for 4.5 hours and looking at a c-section.  I didn’t know vacuum could lead to latch and suck issues.  I was mad at Print.  All the Lactation Consultants said he just had to choose to open his mouth to nurse.  He didn’t want to.  To me, breastfeeding was going to be the only way I felt I could connect with my son.  Prior to him I felt incapable of love.  It was going to be the only way I knew I could connect with him and express love.  It didn’t work out like I had planned.

I would like to say things have gotten better.  I still cry a lot.  I still feel guilty.  I am still anxious when I am away.

I obsess over thoughts of him dying.  How he dies and how I would tell family members and what the funeral would look like.

Every day I have to fight myself from running away.

I am glad there are some moms who fall into motherhood gracefully, but I am just not one of them.  It’s been the hardest 6 months of my life.  Harder than overcoming my sexual abuse and self injury.  I have to balance what is right and healthy for me as well as what is healthy and right for my family.  And that is never easy to figure out. I can no longer make selfish decisions.  But through exhaustion and sleep deprivation I feel like I have lost the Lynse that fights.  I know she’s down there, somewhere.  Hidden among the things I’ve overcome.  I am just taking it day by day on this roller coaster of Postpartum Depression.  That’s all I can do right now.

I know I’ll be able to look past this season of my life and be glad that it is over.  And maybe some day it will help another new mom.  But right now I am doing what I can to get through today.  And for now, that’s ok.

My addiction with news started when I was really young.  For some reason on Saturday mornings I would go downstairs and watch the news. Instead of being a traditional child TV watcher and watch cartoons I would watch the news.  I remember being glued to the TV when Princess Diana died in 1997….I was 11. When I would spend the night at my grandmothers I would watch the 6, 7 and 11 o’clock news with her.  It is what we did.

Like every person living in America (and surrounding countries) I was attached to the News on September 11th.  I came home from school early and watched the News until there was no more news to watch.  I couldn’t sleep because I was concerned that I wouldn’t be informed of what was happening. What if something changed? What if there were more places that we effected?  I had to watch the News to know. So obsessively I watched the news.

Now, at 26, I watch the News every night.  If I am home I start watching the news at 4pm and it is on until 7pm.  It repeats the same stories, but I have to watch.  And then I watch again at 11.

I didn’t think there was anything odd about this.  And then I was direct messaging with someone yesterday after a “fun” little panic attack about Print dying triggered by a store of a young boy dying after a basketball practice. She simply asked “why are you watching the news?”  At first I was defensive….”it’s what I do…”

As I thought about it, the news really does evoke anxiety in me.  I often worry that Print will die.  I worry about a car accident or robbery.  I can see myself like the old A&E show obsessed and never leaving the house.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time I didn’t watch the normal news shows I watch.  I only watched the 6-7pm news.  I plan on cutting the news almost out of my media diet in hopes to lessen my anxiety on a daily basis, but cold turkey doesn’t feel right.

I have been someone that has defined myself by what I know.  I watch and listen to the news almost constantly.  I follow journalists on twitter (which I will continue to do because I like to be informed) but I will swiftly cut back on the news i consume…why?  Because my mental health is a lot more important than what I know.

So, here goes….giving up my {not so healthy} addiction to the news….

Do you consume the news like me?  Or do you tend to stay away from it?

I used to be the person that always had music playing…and loud.  The TV was always on as background noise and I worked best at a coffee shop.  Something changed since having Print.

I have recently discovered a love for peace and quiet.

He’s not a baby that cries all the time and I have to escape the shrills of babydom, but I appreciate quiet.

My life seems so chaotic right now.  Jobs, baby, life, friends, keeping up the home after all said things….

I find myself in the car in complete silence.  And instead of being weird-ed out, I enjoy it. Every second of it.  Because I know it will be short lived.  I will get home or get to work and the noise will start again.

Do you enjoy silence?

I have been in the “Parent” world for almost 4 months now.  In those 4 short months I have learned 1 thing from other people.  Want to guess what that 1 thing is?

If you guessed that everyone else is doing it right and I’m doing it wrong, you would win a prize.

People offer unsolicited advice as to how you should raise your child.  How you should feed your child. How you should dress your child. The diapers I should and shouldn’t use.  Where your child should sleep and what time your child should go to bed. How to make your child sleep longer and I can go on and on.

What I have also learned is that I will never give suggestions unless I am asked.  Each parent is making the best decisions they know how and also the best decisions for their family.  And each family is different.  Everyone has a different philosophy…and guess what?  That is totally ok.

As a new parent I remind myself that I am Print’s parent and making decisions based on that and based on my love for him.  And advice to a new parent…and all I will say unsolicited….listen to yourself.  If you like a philosophy then institute it and don’t let anyone’s opinion change your decision in parenting style.

ok…so that was my P rant.

For some reason I had such a hard time coming up with a topic to post about for “O”. Finally I turned to twitter and Lindsay (who tweets here > @lilloveandluck) suggested ornaments.  Well, duh!  It is the holiday season and all.  So she won the poll.

Ornaments.  They are little balls of joy.  They each hold memories.  We have one for Print’s first Christmas.  We actually have several.  But that’s beside the point.

When I was growing up my parents would buy my brother and I an ornament each year.  I hated it when I was really young because I didn’t understand.  I was annoyed with a little ball of glass, plastic, a figurine or whatever instead of a new gameboy game.  I would have much rathered that.

But as I got older and was moved out and was facing my first Christmas I remembered that I had at least 19 ornaments.  They were all different and represented a different year of my life.  One year it was a softball glove and softball, another it was a santa…after I “found” God it was a cross.  But I know that my parents did it so when I had my first Christmas away from home I would have things on my tree.  And I am thankful for that. And now, though the box is small we have ornaments for our tree.  Ornaments that my parents bought me as well as ones I made while growing up.  My dad still buys me an ornament a year….this year was the Wicked Witch since I love The Wizard of Oz. :)

I plan on doing the same thing for Print and any other children we may have.  It ensures their first tree won’t be empty…though I am not even going to start thinking of a day that he won’t be spending Christmas with us. ;)