I need a hobby.
Something to be an outlet.
Chad thinks I should take up knitting.
I am unsure about that option.
I just can’t see myself doing this….
What is your hobby? Do you have one?
I think i have found my life’s soap box. You know, the thing that gets your blood boiling faster than anything else on the entire world. I say i “found” it, but truthfully, its always been there….but i have just now discovered the line that ties all the things i thought were just floating in the nebulous land of soap boxes.
My soap box: Discounting. Plain and simple.
I am not talking about the awesome discounts you get when you use coupons or whatever but the discounting of people and their experiences.
In TwentyFourSeven Leadership Academy that I was in for 2 years nearly drilled this concept into my head. I never really understood the importance of the concept until recent “soul searching”. We were taught time and time again to not “discount” other students experiences by making off the cuff comments about how bad that sermon was or how much we hated that song or how lame that mission project was. I never got it cause i was just being sarcastic or voicing my opinion. Then one day the heart of it was explained to me. I had a light switch moment. It made sense in my head.
Just because I didn’t like the song or the sermon or the experience or the memories that was being created didn’t mean that everyone felt the same way. Maybe the song that we sang lead to breakthrough in someones life or the message i was critiquing and stating how “lower shelf” it was and just senseless babble brought freedom to that person. You never know. Speaking poorly about an experience that may have meant the world to someone else is discounting it for them. You are making it a little less special for them. You are calling doubt and question into play in an experience that could be the catalyst for life change.
Discounted.
This is why comparing stories and testimonies frustrate me so much. I wrote about it here (we are all right). Just because my story may be more intense or less intense than yours doesn’t and shouldn’t discount the fact that you are a person with stories and experiences that make you.
You are not me. You are you.
That’s another form of discounting that can lead a persons voice or perceived voice to be stolen from them.
I had a similar experience a while back where i felt like my feelings and experiences i had been through were being discounted because it was “not as bad or serious” as the person i was being compared to. My emotions, feelings and experiences were discounted. They were made less because someone felt that i had no right to have those feelings and emotions.
Discounted.
For me, it caused me to shut down and feel like my voice was taken. That my feelings and experiences were no longer valid. That forever i would be compared to _________ and if my thoughts and feelings were not deemed acceptable they should not be shared.
I had allowed myself to be discounted.
I spent a few weeks angry. Then i was hurt. Then i was angry again. And in all of this i stopped updating my blog, i stopped commenting on blogs because i didnt feel like i had a voice to contribute or an opinion that was valued.
I don’t know that i truly understood the concept until that moment. Until i had experienced being discounted. The gut wrenching feeling of my feelings being discounted.
I have since spent some time finding my value and voice in things other than blogging and twitter. I don’t feel discounted anymore.
Through my experience and hurt i discovered my life’s soap box. The little piece of what i view as injustice that i can fight for.
What’s your life’s soapbox? What makes your blood boil?
I was thinking about this the other day. And Chad, my husband who could and does talk to empty rooms…and no, there is nothing wrong with him he’s just highly social was asking me this.
When do social anxiety issues become an excuse or a cop out?
I have social anxiety issues. Due to several reasons and the fact that i am a natural introvert and enjoy my time alone or with a few close friends i despise large group settings.
DESPISE.
I dont even like small group settings where i dont know everyone personally. I am awkward. I forget how to talk with out getting bright red and because its easier tend to become a wall flower that comes off as super standoffish.
But, i know this about me.
I tend to decline invites to things because they make me uncomfortable. I feel out of control. And Chad, being the good husband pointed out to me that sometimes it is my excuse.
You remember a while back those commercials for Herbal Essence or something like that where the girl kept saying she couldnt go on a date because she “had to wash my hair.” Valid…washing your hair is a very good thing, but it was an excuse.
I have to protect my emotions and anxiety levels because it does mess me up and get me all stressed. It effects my sleeping and my eating. But at the same time i have to suck it up for several reasons.
1. how will i ever be “ok” in social settings if i keep saying no to them?
2. what does it communicate to the people that want to hang out with me if i keep saying no?
3. life is all about balance. i cant always say yes and i cant always say no.
4. sometimes stretching my comfort zone proves to me and others that its not as bad as i think it is.
I used to freak out and have crying spells before going into my own birthday parties. Chad can attest to this. It was the first “event” we went to for me (my birthday) that i was scared to death to go to. Because i would be the center of attention. Details were given to the hosts and they knew if i felt threatened i would leave. was i uncomfortable? yes! Was it a healthy and safe thing to do? Yes! I went it and it was obviously a good decision. I had a blast with my friends. I ate incredible food. And most importantly made some good memories.
I could have made an excuse….and stayed home in my comfort zone. Instead i pushed myself and it paid off.
i am curious if im the only one….or do you let your social anxiety get in the way of life?
After we moved here in March I threw myself in to the desire to meet new people and make friends and get attached here. I was trying to make it my home. I was making an effort to better mine and Chad’s relationship….and many of you know twitter, facebook and blogging has been something that hasn’t assisted in the bettering of us. so i kind of broke away from it for a bit.
I stopped.
I started a new twitter account for many purposes but mostly to simplify.
I was over the popularity contest that i saw brewing online.
It had become a lot like High School drama and i was getting stressed over it and i didn’t want to be. I didn’t want stress. Twitter, Facebook and blogging had been my stress reliever, it was the place i went like another world that took me away from the stress of my then job. It was my make believe world that i could escape to and find refuge in.
I went through i time when i really wanted to just focus on living in the now. I posted over on Elora’s blog while she was in Africa something that was making my heart beat at the time. I posted about how i had been living life through 140 characters and to a point i think it hindered my experiences. It hindered what i got out of the moment because i wanted to share it with everyone and break this sometimes magical moment that can never be recreated. You can read it here.
The last couple of weeks I have been wrestling with some things in life like who i am. what kind of friend do i want to be. where did i see me in 5 years. where do i see chad and i in 5 years.
And for me personally the best way for me to spend some time hashing things out is to write. I know i am not the most fantastic writer and i use “…” too much and write in run on sentences that make my English teacher friends cringe (sara and elora), but it is in fact my outlet. And i stopped it.
But i want it back. I want to write again. I want to share my happiness. My struggles. My fears. My failures. My successes. I want to share it with you all.
So i want back. I can not promise i will update daily, but i am going to try and update more often. And it may be more raw as i fight some things out inside of me. I hope that you will join me.
buckle up. it could be an interesting ride.
I have this deep desire in me to lose weight. I see my parents and their weight struggles and I am on a pretty forward path to end up over weight and very unhealthy. I am 24 right now and have many years ahead of me. I have always said i dont want to live to be really old if my quality of life isnt great. I dont want to be confined to a bed or a wheel chair. That is just me. But as i look forward into the future my options are pretty black and white…
option 1 being i can work out now and be healthy and lead a healthy life for many years
option 2 i can continue to eat and indulge now and pay later. continue to gain weight which will in turn jack up my knees and other joints and then potentially be unable to enjoy life in the future.
it seems pretty black and white right? ya, to me too.
but to be honest, i am a quitter. I have good intentions to work out and go running but half way through i quit. I have no self drive when it comes to working out. and to be honest again, it really pisses me off. i look back throughout my life and i see this Lynse that has drive to get through some pretty hellish things.
I pushed through and survived the sexual and emotional abuse.
I pushed through and quit pot and cocaine.
I pushed through dealing with the abuse because i knew it would benefit me.
Now, none of those things were easy or fun. Let me tell you i hated every minute of it.
But when it comes to working out and getting healthy i cant push through and i always end up quitting.
Through my years in TwentyFourSeven during our insane workouts the leader would say several things to motivate us. The one thing that always stands out in my head is
“you can pay now or you can pay later.”
I can pay now by working out and pushing my body to run that extra mile or do that extra lunge or crunch. Or i can pay later by being unhealthy with a poor quality of life.
those are essentially my two options.
but every time i put on my exercise clothes and tie up my shoes there is that voice inside of me that says i will never finish the run. or i cant ever lose weight or get healthy. And i buy into it and quit.
I am a quitter.
I dont want to be a quitter. I dont want to be the person that looks back years from now and wishes that i would have just paid in my 20’s instead of paying in my 50’s.
As much as i would love a Jillian Michaels, (who by the way is so freaking kick ass) I dont think it would be good for me in the long run. Knowing me, after she left or i quit seeing the trainer i would quit. I would have not built equity up in myself to get out there and face my demons of quitting and would find another excuse to quit.
This is much more than a weight issue for me. This is a character thing. It is going to be a life long struggle that isn’t even associated to my physical health. It is a motivation issue. It is a self value issue. It is a confidence issue. A self starting issue.
And right now to combat this I think the only way i know how will be to put on my exercise clothes daily and lace up my running shoes daily and push myself. Do that last mile, that last lunge, that last crunch.
Not because I need to lose weight, but I need to show myself that I value me, that I deserve to be healthy, that most importantly i wont quit on myself.
What do you always end up quitting that you need to push through?
